Nothing Clever to Say

Annual Football Preview (A week late)

2005-09-14T03:00:04Z

Who's ready for a really long update about football teams, numbers, and stats, that you will not care about? Oh well! It's my LiveJournal! First off, a couple somewhat bold predictions about the 2005 NFL season.

1. The Arizona Cardinals will finish .500. Kurt Warner is flakier than most of my ex-girlfriends, but when he's got talent around him, he's good. Boldin and Fitzgerald give him just that. Between Warner lighting up the air, and a revamped defense, the Cards win a few more games, but still miss the postseason.

2. The Pittsburgh Steelers will again be the best team in football. If I had posted this a week ago as planned, I probably wouldn't have said this one..but after seeing what they did Sunday, I only see three teams that will beat us. Those teams are San Diego, Indianapolis, and Cincinatti (once). We finish 13-3, best record in football again.

3. The New Orleans Saints will be a wildcard. I know better than to pick otherwise. In 2001, 9/11 happens, and a team called the Patriots wins the superbowl. Katrina hits, and New Orlean's team will make the postseason, whether it's because of coincidence or something less innocent. Finish 10-6, lose in the divisional round to #1 seed Atlanta.

The 2005 AFC

AFC North:
Pittsburgh:
1. vs TEN (W)
2. @ HOU (W)
3. vs NE (w)
4. BYE
5. @ SD (L)
6. vs JAX (W)
7. @ CIN (L)
8. vs. BAL (W)
9. @ GB (W)
10. vs. CLE (W)
11. @ BAL (W)
12. @ IND (L)
13. vs CIN (W)
14. vs CHI (W)
15. @ MIN (W)
16. @ CLE (W)
17. vs DET (W)
FINAL: 13-3
Notes: See above.

Baltimore:
1. vs IND (L)
2. @ TEN (W)
3. BYE
4. vs. NYJ (L)
5. @ DET (W)
6. vs CLE (W)
7. @ CHI (W)
8. @ PIT (L)
9. vs CIN (W)
10. @ JAX (W)
11. vs PIT (L)
12. @ CIN (L)
13. vs HOU (W)
14. @ DEN (W)
15. vs GB (W)
16. vs MIN (L)
17. @ CLE (L)
FINAL: 9-7
Notes: Jamal is wounded, Boller is out (which is actually good). Defense is still pretty good, but is starting to decline. They compete for a while, but are just no match for the surging Steelers.

Cincinatti:
1. @ CLE (W)
2. vs MIN (L)
3. @ CHI (W)
4. vs HOU (L)
5. @ JAX (L)
6. @ TEN (W)
7. vs PIT (L)
8. vs GB (W)
9. @ BAL (L)
10. BYE
11. vs IND (W)
12. vs BAL (W)
13. @ PIT (L)
14. vs. CLE (W)
15. @ DET (W)
16. vs BUF (L)
17. @ KC (L)
FINAL: 8-8
Notes: I really do like the Bengals, and really wanna give Carson Palmer and Co. his breakout season. But..looking at the schedule, I just don't see it. I hope this one is wrong, because I want to see the Bengals compete..but I don't think 2005 is the year.

Cleveland:
1. vs CIN (L)
2. @ GB (L)
3. @ IND (L)
4. BYE
5. vs CHI (L)
6. @ BAL (L)
7. vs DET (W)
8. @ HOU (L)
9. vs TEN (W)
10. @ PIT (L)
11. vs MIA (L)
12. @ MIN (L)
13. vs JAX (L)
14. @ CIN (L)
15. @ OAK (W)
16. vs PIT (L)
17. vs BAL (L)
Final: 3-13
Notes: Cleveland fans should be happy with 3-13. This team is completely different, and has a lot of work to do before they can gel and win games. It won't happen this season, save for a couple upset games.

AFC East:
New England:
1. vs OAK (W)
2. @ CAR (W)
3. @ PIT (L)
4. vs SD (W)
5. @ ATL (L)
6. @ DEN (W)
7. BYE
8. vs BUF (W)
9. vs IND (L)
10. @ MIA (W)
11. vs NO (W)
12. @ KC (L)
13. vs NYJ (W)
14. @ BUF (W)
15. vs TB (W)
16. @ NYJ (L)
17. vs MIA (W)
Final: 11-5
Notes: New England is still New England, but the losses of coordinators and players shows. Win the division, but losses to Indy, KC, the Jets, Atlanta, and Pit (all good 2005 playoff teams) keep them from homefield advantage.

New York Jets:
1. @ KC (L)
2. vs MIA (W)
3. vs JAX (W)
4. @ BAL (W)
5. vs TB (W)
6. @ BUF (L)
7. @ ATL (L)
8. BYE
9. vs SD (W)
10. @ CAR (L)
11. @ DEN (W)
12. vs NO (W)
13. @ NE (L)
14. vs OAK (W)
15. @ MIA (L)
16. vs NE (W)
17. vs BUF (W)
Final: 10-6
Notes: Not impressed yet, but if Pennington can get back on his feet, this team will win enough games to secure a wildcard. If they don't, then I say the Ravens do.

Buffalo Bills:
1. vs HOU (W)
2. @ TB (L)
3. vs ATL (L)
4. @ NO (L)
5. vs MIA (W)
6. vs NYJ (W)
7. @ OAK (L)
8. @ NE (L)
9. BYE
10. vs KC (W)
11. @ SD (W)
12. vs CAR (L)
13. @ MIA (W)
14. vs NE (L)
15. vs DEN (L)
16. @ CIN (W)
17. @ NYJ (L)
Final: 7-9
Notes: Same solid defense, utterly terrible offense. New QB provides problems and losses, but shows promise. 2006 may be the year of the Bill.

Miami Dolphins:
1. vs DEN (W)
2. @ NYJ (L)
3. vs CAR (W)
4. BYE
5. @ BUF (L)
6. @ TB (W)
7. vs KC (L)
8. @ NO (L)
9. vs ATL (L)
10. vs NE (L)
11. @ CLE (W)
12. @ OAK (W)
13. vs BUF (L)
14. @ SD (L)
15. vs NYJ (W)
16. vs TEN (W)
17. @ NE (L)
Final: 7-9
Notes: Like Cleveland, Miami is a completel revamped team. However, this one will gel and win a lot sooner, and a lot more often than their northern counterparts.

AFC West:
Kansas City:
1. NYJ (W)
2. @ OAK (W)
3. @ DEN (W)
4. PHI (L)
5. BYE
6. WSH (W)
7. @ MIA (W)
8. @ SD (L)
9. vs OAK (L)
10. @ BUF (L)
11. @ HOU (W)
12. vs NE (W)
13. vs DEN (W)
14. @ DAL (W)
15. @ NYG (W)
16. vs SD (W)
17. vs CIN (W)
Final: 12-4
Notes: Watched them Sunday, and wow. Larry Johnson and Priest Holmes are by far THE most dangerous running back duo in football. If the defense can keep teams down, Johnson and Holmes will run all day long..right into the #2 seed.

San Diego:
1. DAL (L)
2. @ DEN (W)
3. NYG (W)
4. @ NE (L)
5. vs PIT (W)
6. @ OAK (L)
7. @ PHI (W)
8. vs KC (W)
9. @ NYJ (L)
10. BYE
11. vs BUF (L)
12. @ WSH (W)
13. vs OAK (L)
14. vs MIA (W)
15. @ IND (W)
16. @ KC (L)
17. vs DEN (W)
Final: 9-7
Notes: Drop from 12-4 from a year ago, but it's hard to win in one of the toughest divisions in the league. Pull off some memorable wins against Pittsburgh and Philly, but watch the playoffs from home. Perhaps it's time for Phillip Rivers.

Oakland Raiders:
1. @ NE (L)
2. vs KC (L)
3. @ PHI (L)
4. vs DAL (W)
5. BYE
6. vs SD (W)
7. vs BUF (W)
8. @ TEN (W)
9. @ KC (W)
10. vs DEN (L)
11. @ WSH (L)
12. vs MIA (L)
13. @ SD (W)
14. @ NYJ (L)
15. vs CLE (L)
16. @ DEN (W)
17. vs NYG (W)
Final: 8-8
Notes: Looked impressive on Thursday night, but I don't buy it. Randy Moss is not good enough to save a team in a funk like the Raiders have been in. They finish even, if that.

Denver Broncos:
1. @ MIA (L)
2. vs SD (L)
3. vs KC (L)
4. @ JAX (L)
5. vs WSH (L)
6. vs NE (L)
7. @ NYG (W)
8. PHI (L)
9. BYE
10. @ OAK (W)
11. vs NYJ (L)
12. @ DAL (W)
13. @ KC (L)
14. vs BAL (L)
15. @ BUF (W)
16. vs OAK (L)
17. @ SD (L)
Final: 4-12
Notes: The good news is, they get a high draft pick. The bad news is, Peyton Manning doesn't get to destroy their defense come January..oh wait..that's good news, too. Looks like the basement is win win for Denver.

AFC South:
Indianapolis Colts:
1. @ BAL (W)
2. vs JAX (W)
3. vs CLE (W)
4. @ TEN (W)
5. @ SF (W)
6. vs STL (L)
7. @ HOU (L)
8. BYE
9. @ NE (W)
10. vs HOU (W)
11. @ CIN (L)
12. vs PIT (W)
13. TEN (W)
14. @ JAX (L)
15. vs SD (L)
16. @ SEA (W)
17. vs ARI (W)
Final: 11-5
Notes: Speaking of Manning and the Colts, they, as usual, look great in the season, and good in the playoffs, and lose the AFC championship in Pittsburgh. Until they get a #1 seed, don't pick them for the Superbowl. Period.

Jacksonville Jaguars:
1. SEA (W)
2. @ IND (L)
3. @ NYJ (L)
4. DEN (W)
5. CIN (W)
6. @ PIT (L)
7. BYE
8. @ STL (W)
9. vs HOU (W)
10. vs BAL (L)
11. @ TEN (L)
12. @ ARI (W)
13. @ CLE (W)
14. IND (W)
15. SF (W)
16. @ HOU (L)
17. TEN (W)
Final: 10-6
Notes: Bandwagon team last year, and this year they pick up where they left off. Only this year, they win the couple more games needed to secure a wildcard slot.

Houston Texans:
1. @ BUF (L)
2. vs PIT (L)
3. BYE
4. @ CIN (W)
5. vs TEN (W)
6. @ SEA (W)
7. vs IND (W)
8. vs CLE (W)
9. @ JAX (L)
10. @ IND (L)
11. vs KC (L)
12. vs STL (L)
13. @ BAL (L)
14. @ TEN (W)
15. ARI (W)
16. JAX (W)
17. @ SF (W)
Final: 9-7
Notes: FINALLY! The Texans end with a winning record. Things can only go up next year. But for this year, the Texans should congratulate themselves, and focus on how to get better next year during their extended offseason.

Tennessee Titans:
1. @ PIT (L)
2. vs BAL (L)
3. @ STL (L)
4. vs IND (L)
5. @ HOU (L)
6. vs CIN (L)
7. @ ARI (W)
8. vs OAK (L)
9. @ CLE (L)
10. BYE
11. JAX (W)
12. SF (W)
13. @ IND (L)
14. vs HOU (L)
15. vs SEA (L)
16. @ MIA (L)
17. @ JAX (L)
Final: 3-13
Notes: Talk about a horrible team. Stuck in salary cap hell, Jeff Fisher would kill for 3-13. I honestly would not be surprised if they went 0-16. This team looks so bad that I don't even think it can beat San Fran. But because of the any given Sunday rule, they get a couple upsets.

FINAL AFC STANDINGS:
1. Pittsburgh (13-3) - AFC North Champ
2. Kansas City (12-4) - AFC West Champ
3. Indianapolis Colts (11-5) - AFC South Champ
4. New England Patriots (11-5) AFC East Champ
5. New York Jets (10-6) - Wildcard
6. Jacksonville Jaguars (10-6) - Wildcard

Wildcard Weekend:
6. JAX @ 3. IND - 3. IND
5. NYJ @ 4. NE - 4. NE
Notes: Indy is playing in Indy, so they win, as usual. Brady and the Pats turn it on and burn the Jets, as they do to any team in January. Patriots are also motivated because they actually have to play on Wildcard weekend.

Divisional:
3. IND @ 2. KC - 3. IND
4. NE @ 1. PIT - 1. PIT
Notes: In deja vu, the Colts beat the Chiefs in KC, in what will be a very high scoring game. The Pats and the Steelers replay last year a week early, but this time, my team will refuse to lose.

Championship:
3. IND @ 1. PIT - 1. PIT
Notes: As I said before, unless the Colts are indoors, don't bet on them. Period. Steelers are going to the SuperBowl!

The 2005 NFC

NFC NORTH:
Minnesota Vikings:
1. vs TB (L)
2. @ CIN (W)
3. vs NO (W)
4. @ ATL (L)
5. BYE
6. @ CHI (W)
7. vs GB (W)
8. @ CAR (L)
9. vs DET (W)
10. @ NYG (L)
11. @ GB (W)
12. vs CLE (W)
13. @ DET (W)
14. vs STL (L)
15. vs PIT (L)
16. @ BAL (W)
17. vs CHI (W)
Final: 10-6
Notes: Missing Moss puts a dent in the offense. But in a weak division and weak conference, they win enough to squeak into the playoffs.

Detroit Lions:
1. vs GB (W)
2. @ CHI (L)
3. BYE
4. @ TB (W)
5. vs BAL (L)
6. vs CAR (W)
7. @ CLE (L)
8. vs CHI (W)
9. @ MIN (L)
10. vs ARI (W)
11. @ DAL (W)
12. vs ATL (L)
13. vs MIN (L)
14. @ GB (W)
15. vs CIN (L)
16. @ NO (W)
17. @ PIT (L)
Final: 8-8
Notes: Harrington finally lives up to potential, and being surrounded by all-star receivers, it's about time. .500 is a good finish for the Lions.

Chicago Bears:
1. @ WSH (L)
2. vs DET (W)
3. vs CIN (L)
4. BYE
5. @ CLE (W)
6. vs MIN (L)
7. vs BAL (L)
8. @ DET (L)
9. @ NO (L)
10. vs SF (W)
11. vs CAR (L)
12. @ TB (W)
13. vs GB (W)
14. @ PIT (L)
15. vs ATL (W)
16. @ GB (W)
17. @ MIN (L)
Final: 7-9
Notes: Bears are the Bears, year in and year out. Need a franchise QB. Orton is not that, at least not this year. But at least they're not last place.

Green Bay Packers:
1. @ DET (L)
2. vs CLE (W)
3. vs TB (L)
4. @ CAR (L)
5. vs NO (L)
6. BYE
7. @ MIN (L)
8. @ CIN (L)
9. vs PIT (L)
10. @ ATL (L)
11. vs MIN (L)
12. @ PHI (W)
13. @ CHI (L)
14. vs DET (L)
15. @ BAL (L)
16. vs CHI (L)
17. vs SEA (W)
Final: 3-13
Notes: The honor of last place goes to the Packers. Mark my words, Favre WILL retire after this miserable season ends. Favre is over the hill and falling fast, Walker is out, Green is stinking up the field, and the defense is non-existant. When your schedule includes Atlanta, Philly, Pit, and Bal, you better have an offense that can play, or those defenses will kill you. They will kill Green Bay.

NFC EAST:
Philadelphia Eagles:
1. @ ATL (L)
2. vs SF (W)
3. vs OAK (W)
4. @ KC (W)
5. @ DAL (W)
6. BYE
7. SD (L)
8. @ DEN (W)
9. @ WSH (W)
10. vs DAL (L)
11. @ NYG (W)
12. vs GB (L)
13. vs SEA (W)
14. vs NYG (W)
15. @ STL (W)
16. @ ARI (W)
17. vs WSH (W)
Final: 12-4
Note: Eagles are still the top of the NFC East. The rest of the division is getting better, but not that fast. Eagles get a #2 seed and a trip to SB XL.

Dallas Cowboys:
1. @ SD (W)
2. vs WSH (W)
3. @ SF (L)
4. @ OAK (L)
5. vs PHI (L)
6. vs NYG (W)
7. @ SEA (W)
8. vs ARI (W)
9. BYE
10. @ PHI (W)
11. vs DET (L)
12. vs DEN (L)
13. @ NYG (W)
14. vs KC (L)
15. @ WSH (W)
16. @ CAR (W)
17. vs STL (W)
Final: 10-6
Notes: Bledsoe will play well for Parcells. Julius Jones is a beast. Defense is looking good. Enough said. Wildcard.

New York Giants:
1. vs ARI (W)
2. @ NO (L)
3. @ SD (L)
4. vs STL (L)
5. BYE
6. @ DAL (L)
7. vs DEN (L)
8. vs WSH (W)
9. @ SF (W)
10. vs MIN (W)
11. vs PHI (L)
12. @ SEA (W)
13. vs DAL (L)
14. @ PHI (L)
15. vs KC (L)
16. @ WSH (W)
17. @ OAK (L)
Final: 6-10
Notes: Eli will lead the Giants to the promised land, but not for a couple more years.

Washington Redskins:
1. vs CHI (W)
2. @ DAL (L)
3. BYE
4. vs SEA (L)
5. @ DEN (W)
6. @ KC (L)
7. vs SF (W)
8. @ NYG (L)
9. vs PHI (L)
10. @ TB (L)
11. vs OAK (W)
12. vs SD (L)
13. @ STL (L)
14. @ ARI (L)
15. vs DAL (L)
16. vs NYG (L)
17. @ PHI (L)
Final: 4-12
Notes: Gibbs needs to dump these rotating QB's and use his 2006 top 10 draft pick to get a QB that will win consistently. Or he can quit. Whatever. Does anyone even care about the Redskins anymore?

NFC West:
St. Louis Rams:
1. @ SF (L)
2. @ ARI (L)
3. vs TEN (W)
4. @ NYG (W)
5. vs SEA (L)
6. @ IND (W)
7. vs NO (W)
8. vs JAX (L)
9. BYE
10. @ SEA (W)
11. vs ARI (L)
12. @ HOU (W)
13. vs WSH (W)
14. @ MIN (W)
15. vs PHI (L)
16. vs SF (W)
17. @ DAL (L)
Final: 9-7
Notes: Like last year, the NFC West is still the basement of the NFL. Teams get better against each other, making things more even..but the rest of the league still beats up on all four of them..so a 9-7 record gets a #4 seed.

Arizona Cardinals:
1. @ NYG (L)
2. vs STL (W)
3. @ SEA (W)
4. vs SF (W)
5. vs CAR (L)
6. BYE
7. vs TEN (L)
8. @ DAL (L)
9. vs SEA (W)
10. @ DET (L)
11. @ STL (W)
12. vs JAX (L)
13. @ SF (W)
14. vs WSH (W)
15. @ HOU (L)
16. vs PHI (W)
17. @ IND (L)
Final: 8-8
Notes: Everyone picks Arizona to make the playoffs. That's a little too radical for me. I'm all for off the wall predictions, but they have to be realistic. I think .500 is realistic, and if Warner stays and plays well this year, then next year we'll see the Cards in January.

Seattle Seahawks:
1. @ JAX (L)
2. vs ATL (L)
3. vs ARI (L)
4. @ WSH (W)
5. @ STL (W)
6. vs HOU (L)
7. vs DAL (L)
8. BYE
9. @ ARI (L)
10. vs STL (L)
11. @ SF (W)
12. vs NYG (L)
13. @ PHI (L)
14. vs SF (W)
15. @ TEN (W)
16. vs IND (L)
17. @ GB (L)
Final: 5-11
Notes: Dropped balls, no defense. Hasselbeck blows, and Alexander falters in a critical year for Seattle. Expect Coach Mike to get the axe after this embarassment.

San Francisco 49ers:
1. vs STL (W)
2. @ PHI (L)
3. vs DAL (L)
4. @ ARI (L)
5. vs IND (L)
6. BYE
7. @ WSH (L)
8. vs TB (W)
9. vs NYG (L)
10. @ CHI (L)
11. vs SEA (L)
12. @ TEN (L)
13. vs ARI (L)
14. @ SEA (L)
15. @ JAX (L)
16. @ STL (L)
17. vs HOU (L)
Final: 2-14
Notes: Mike Nolan will get these guys to win..the same as last year. Yeah, they'll get better eventually..but the head coach is a Raven..I can't give them that much credit. #1 draft pick yet again.

NFC SOUTH:
Atlanta Falcons:
1. vs PHI (W)
2. @ SEA (W)
3. @ BUF (W)
4. vs MIN (W)
5. vs NE (W)
6. @ NO (L)
7. vs NYJ (W)
8. BYE
9. @ MIA (W)
10. vs GB (W)
11. vs TB (W)
12. @ DET (W)
13. @ CAR (L)
14. vs NO (W)
15. @ CHI (L)
16. @ TB (L)
17. vs CAR (W)
Final: 12-4
Notes: Falcons suprise class of the NFC on Monday night. I have no choice but to give the nod to them for homefield advantage, which makes them very dangerous. But Philly is hungrier after failing for so long, then coming so close last year. Atlanta is #1, makes it to the NFC Championship, but struggles and exits stage left.

New Orleans Saints:
1. @ CAR (W)
2. vs NYG (W)
3. @ MIN (L)
4. vs BUF (W)
5. @ GB (W)
6. vs ATL (W)
7. @ STL (L)
8. vs MIA (W)
9. vs CHI (W)
10. BYE
11. @ NE (L)
12. @ NYJ (L)
13. vs TB (W)
14. @ ATL (L)
15. vs CAR (W)
16. vs DET (L)
17. @ TB (W)
Final: 10-6
Notes: See bold predictions above.

Carolina Panthers:
1. vs NO (L)
2. vs NE (L)
3. @ MIA (L)
4. vs GB (W)
5. @ ARI (W)
6. @ DET (L)
7. BYE
8. vs MIN (W)
9. @ TB (W)
10. vs NYJ (W)
11. @ CHI (W)
12. @ BUF (W)
13. vs ATL (W)
14. vs TB (W)
15. @ NO (L)
16. vs DAL (L)
17. @ ATL (L)
Final: 9-7
Notes: I really like the Panthers, and would like to see them win more games. I'd be happy to be wrong if they did, but I can't think of a reason why they should.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
1. @ MIN (W)
2. vs BUF (W)
3. @ GB (W)
4. vs DET (L)
5. @ NYJ (L)
6. vs MIA (L)
7. BYE
8. @ SF (L)
9. vs CAR (L)
10. vs WSH (W)
11. @ ATL (L)
12. vs CHI (L)
13. @ NO (L)
14. @ CAR (L)
15. @ NE (L)
16. vs ATL (W)
17. vs NO (L)
Final: 5-11
Notes: Say goodbye to Gruden. I'd rather be a Steelers fan and win every year with no SB championship, then win 1 and suck every year after that.

FINAL NFC STANDINGS:
1. Atlanta Falcons (12-4) - NFC South Champ
2. Philadelphia Eagles (12-4) - NFC East Champ
3. Minnesota Vikings (10-6) - NFC North Champ
4. St. Louis Rams (9-7) - NFC West Champ
5. Dallas Cowboys (10-6) - Wildcard
6. New Orleans Saints (10-6) - Wildcard

Wildcard:
#6 NO @ #3 MIN - #6 NO
#5 DAL @ #4 STL - #4 STL
Notes: Minnesota will only be #3 because of a weak division. I believe the Saints will have the nation behind them, and are simply a better team. Dallas and St. Louis is a tossup pick, but I don't see both wildcards winning.

Divisional:
#6 NO @ #1 ATL - #1 ATL
#4 STL @ #2 PHI - #2 PHI
Notes: The Saints are that good, but no Cinderella stories this year. NFC Championship will be #1 vs #2.

NFC Championship:
#2 PHI @ #1 ATL - #2 PHI
Notes: Atlanta is dangerous at home, but Philly's been here 5 times, they know what to do, and after being at the door for 3 years, and so close to winning it all last year, they're hungry for a superbowl win. They won't get it, but they'll get the chance to try.

Superbowl XL:
Philadelphia Eagles @ Pittsburgh Steelers

The ever-so-wanted all-PA superbowl. The Eagles will be here again next year, or at least in the NFCC. They know it, and everyone else does. They want the title, but not as bad as us. Pittsburgh knows that in the AFC, if you have a lucky enough year that you can get by NE and the Colts, you BETTER capitalize and make it worthwhile. That's why the Steelers will finally win their 5th championship..because if not this year, then when?

Trying to Stay in the Rhythm of Updating

2005-09-10T03:44:18Z

So, it's shaping up to be a pretty kickass next few days...other than working 12-6 tomorrow, that is. I get to sleep in tomorrow, go to work, get picked up and taken down to Essex by Tara for the rest of the weekend. We're going to the drive-in that night, and Sunday is....STEELERS FOOTBALL! Waiting 6 months for football is entirely too long.

So Sunday is the much-awaited return of football, which will make for a great day in itself. Monday morning I work 7-12, and am revisiting my high school roots that evening. As the plan stands, me and Mr. Lockett will be going to York, getting together with a bunch of my old Vo-Tech brothers, and visiting good old deaf Mr. Warbritton during his night class. Should make for a very fun night.

In other news today, I received my weekly paycheck from Weis today. It is shown below:

Yes, that is correct. The Weis Markets payroll department decided to waste the time, ink, paper, and envelope to send me a check for nothing. Now, I did work hours that week..only three, so I would have gotten 18.90. However, this week, the Township is taking out an outrageous "Occupational Privelege Tax." No matter how much you make or where you work, you are getting $42 taken out of your check. Period. Now, from what I hear, some businesses were nice enough to split it up to about $5 a week, but not Weis. Instead, they deduct my ENTIRE paycheck (or 16.67 of it, the other 2.13 went to other taxes), and on top of it, I still owe them 25.23 out of my next check. Now, I already worked last week for free, basically. Considering that I owe 25.23, and make 6.30 an hour, the math says that between that and other taxes, I worked today (5 hours), for absolutely free. Not to mention that I haven't received any paycheck in three weeks, and am going to be without cigarettes all this week.

The SWCCG Player's Committee (link to right), made an announcement that they are looking for a new web designer today. I, of course, immediately sent them an e-mail with my resume and a link to the Ruinfate site to showcase my skill. It'd be very nice to get the job and give back to a game that has given so much to me. Plus it immediately moves me to the upper-class of that community.

Well, that will suffice for an update. Yes.

Ack! I still have a LiveJournal?! 0.o

2005-09-06T08:12:24Z

"Oh, that's right..I do have a livejournal.."

Well, it has been quite some time, my friends. Even more, considering it will take you a week from this date to realize I even updated. Well, since the last time I updated was mid-April, I guess I'll do a super cheap filler entry to cover the last 5 months. Only the positive. Some negative occured..if you know me well, you know most of this already, no need to darken the entry. Kthx.

Late April: - I am accepted into YTI. The high of the Tarheels win wears off pretty quickly, as every starting player goes into the NBA draft, meaning that UNC is going to suck..um..Tarheel balls...this season.

May: - Senioritis kicks in big time. Me and Tara end up not going to prom (negative event..no detail). With no sports at all to watch, the month drags by, filled with school, work, and sleep.

June: - Tara graduates. Hooray! I graduate. Hooray! Finally..now I can be responsible for everything! :sarcasm:. It is nice to be out of school. A week later, me and Tara hike up the Mountains App. for a cabin trip, since Joe Gi is uberl337 and got the keys to his grandparent's cabin. Great amounts of drinking and fun are had by all. Tara is the only victim of vomit that night. The next day, somewhat hungover, we leave and drive almost three hours back to my grandparents' in MD for Jessie's graduation party..where, despite my vow not to, I drink again. You do not know the meaning of headache.

July: - I rediscover my love for SWCCG (link to sites on the right), and proceed to blow several paychecks doubling, then tripling, my collection (stands at about 2,000-2,500 now). Unfortunately, the game has been out of print (not dead, however) since 2001, and Hanover is void of players. Sigh. The entire Sersen family takes a week off and rents a house at the Outer Banks of NC. Funnest vacation I have ever been on. I come back to Hanover, and fall my driver's test. Welcome back. Not to be discouraged, I reschedule as soon as I get home, and in...

August: I finally get my license. Thank the maker. No car yet, but it will come soon enough. Immediate family goes to Ocean City for a week, which I enjoy, since it's another week off work. Preseason begins. I do believe preseason only exists to irritate fans, infecting them with football fever a month before the season starts. Shane buys a brand new car..for whatever reason. Find myself tighter on money and proceed to stop buying SW cards for the moment.

This Past Week/Now:
Me and Tara celebrate our 5 month anniversary. Children complain about going back to school, me and Shane laugh. Me, because I don't go until October 19, Shane because he doesn't go at all. EVER! >_> Realize that my old friend Windows Longhorn has gone to beta and been renamed Windows Vista by the powers that be at Micro$oft. I download. After 3 days of downloading, and every hardware component on my pc failing, one at a time, it finally installs, and I am using now. It's not bad. Go down to Towson on..um..Friday?, and am reminded by Molly that I never update my LiveJournal..to which my reponse is, "Oh, that's right..I do have a livejournal.."

Which brings us to now. Why did I bring it back? Well, redecorating kind of satisified my interest in web design. And with football season coming, gas prices surging, Bush getting stupider, etc,etc...I have plenty to rant about. And it's not healthy to hold it in.

Stay Tuned.

Updating because I'm whipped.

2005-04-15T02:25:52Z

Sorry I was tardy with my update, between work school and Tara I don't have a lot of free time. Umm...let's see. I get to see my baby tomorrow night....and Saturday..and Saturday night....and Sunday :D. Extremely excited, even if she doesn't think I am.

School's almost over, days are going really slow because of Senioritis and the fact that I have nothing to do, even in shop.

Work's ok. Just ok. I put in a note to get off Saturday nights and Sundays to see Tara, and amazingly, they listened to me.

Started gym class this marking period...it's fun, but gay. I didn't smoke as much last year as I do now...it shows.

I need another drink.

And food. so.

Fin.

I thought Mondays were supposed to suck?

2005-04-06T23:35:59Z

The University of North Carolina men's basketball team, the UNC Tarheels, are the nation's 2005 Division 1 NCAA CHAMPIONS! :D :D :D Took me a while to update it, it hasn't really sunk in until I was looking at photos.

Rashad McCants holding up the trophy in front of the scoreboard.

McCants again with trohpy.

Roy Williams cutting down the nets for the first time, after coaching 17 years without a championship.

Team and coach with the trophy.

May and McCants celebrating...McCants was shown lying on the floor in shock for about 5 minutes on TV.

McCants celebrating again.

Jawad Williams celebrating as the final buzzer sounds.

Those are images that I'm going to save for a long time. Finally, one of my teams wins a championship. If only the Steelers can do it this year...I guess I'll start looking forward to that soon. But for now, I wear my dirty old UNC hat with pride!

Add a championship win to the fact that I got to unexpectedly see Tara all day, and it was a GREAT day :)

BEST WEEK EVER!

2005-04-03T04:12:36Z

Wow, where to start...

Week started off not so great..lots of work, lots of school...but I kept looking forward to Thursday, when I actually had off, and got to see my Taha :) We were supposed to go prom dress shopping, but the mall had little to no selection, so we left there pretty quick and went to eat. Rented a movie, came back here, and hung out the rest of the night. I wasn't going to make any moves, but when she said something about never having a boyfriend for her birthday, which is in 2 weeks, I decided I had to ask..and she said yes :)

Right now I'm happier than I can ever remember, even better than the first time we went out. It's only been two days, but every day is a little bit better than the last, and everytime I hear her voice or see her get online, or see her beautiful smile, I fall in love all over again. It feels a little silly to say this so soon, but we're both a lot more grown up and mature this time, and it feels really serious. I can't see it failing. I've said that about relationships in the past..but this one is different. I can't describe it...but I just know that I'm sure about this, and I've never been so sure of anything before. She makes me the happiest man alive, and I'm loving every minute of it. I love you baby :-*

But that's the main reason why this is the best week ever, not the only one. UNC also beat Michigan St. by 16 tonight, and is playing in the national championship Monday night :D. I'm so glad one of my teams finally reached a championship game..the Steelers never can. After the luck I've had with Tara this week, I'd figured it'd be run out by tonight...but I'm just a very very very lucky man.

That's all for now. Just had to update because I promised I would if Tara made a LJ, which she did. So here you go, I'm a man of my word lol.

Nice guys do finish last.

2005-03-21T01:49:50Z

I'm not even gonna update on what happened this week, because it's nothing important..but I've come to the conclusion tonight that I'm done being a nice guy to everyone.

Being nice has gotten me nothing but stepped on, passed over, and a role as everyone's friend. While I'm giving everyone else what they need, I've completely neglected what I need. I'm tired of calling someone I like 5 times a day just to hear them talk about their boyfriend. And then he pisses her off, n she starts talking to me about getting back together, but 3 hours later...oops! Everything's fine again..but hey, thanks for being there. Yeah, no problem. I'm done biting my tongue and trying to be everybody's buddy. I'm tired of worrying about everybody else's wants, needs, and feelings, and not even paying attention to my own. So if you do something to piss me off, you're going to hear about it. If I have something to get off my chest that you don't wanna hear, tough. And if you don't like it, tough shit, don't talk to me. Because I do not care anymore. I'm looking out for myself, and that's it.

Another Update.

2005-03-10T01:12:57Z

I found my hat!!! Got off the bus today, and there it was, right in the Exxon parking lot, at my bus stop. It's like a lost dog that comes back to find its owner...just sitting there waiting for me. So I picked it up, dusted it off, put it back on and walked home. It's dirty, of course, and a bit smelly...and the bill is cracked where the bus ran over it..but...I'm washing it now, and it should be wearable. W00t.

Anyway, went out with Shane tonight. Got some food at the Hungry Parrot...I like that place, except that it's giving Weis a lot more business, that I don't want. Then we got with Danielle and Kasey and went to the mall...I beat Shane's ass twice in air hockey..then for some reason the table stayed on and gave us two free games..so I beat him again, then Danielle beat him..not his night lol. Went to Taco Bell for Sarah's break...dropped her back off...we were gonna go bowling, but it was packed..some kind of league night. So we called it a night, and here I am.

Really looking forward to the 16th and Tara's bday party. Alan realized it's the same day as his prom, so hopefully he decides to go. Or at least decides to take me down there..Tara can take me back, so it's all good then. Have a prom date too, the aforementioned Tara. That's awesome as hell, and I'm actually really excited about that, even though I hate dances. So between those two and my birthday in a couple weeks, it should be a very good spring. :)

That's all for now. Leave a comment if you want. Peace nigga.

A part of me is missing.

2005-03-09T02:14:50Z

I hate wind. As a smoker, I've always disliked it, but after today, I want revenge. As I stepped off the bus, to start walking to work..as soon as I stepped off, this huge gust of winds blows right in my face...I made it, my hat was not so lucky. I turned around, and there it was, crossing the intersection between Baltimore and Grandview :(. Of course, I let it go, because I wasn't crazy enough to chase after it. But um..if you see a red Fox Racing hat anywhere in that area, let me know...I'll give some sort of cash reward. Thank you, that is all.

Spring Cleaning.

2005-03-07T23:32:43Z

Damn, I gotta clean my room more often...found a lot of old, really sentimental crap.

Found pictures from Jessie's bday party from 3 million years ago when me, Alan, Shane, Tara, Sandi, n Pam were there...good picture of me and Tara in that, too. Also found a poem from a long time ago that Tara wrote me on a napkin lol...not sure if it's worth keeping..kinda raggedy now :/. And I finally found my old All-American Rejects cd, which reminded me of when Lauren was into them hardcore n I had to listen to them everytime I was in the car with her lol.

Sigh, I'm so emo lol.

Another Update

2005-03-07T21:43:44Z

Hell of a week. A lot of ups and downs, and I won't go into typing it all because a) I don't feel like it, and b) if you really know me, you should already know anyway. Made a couple really tough decisions, as well. I guess time will tell if it was a smart choice, or just another classic mistake by Ryan.

At least this weekend there were a couple pluses to take my mind off of things.

1. Went out with Shane, Sarah, and Danielle Friday night, and instead of the usual drive-around-with-nothing-to-do, we actually decided to do something different, and went bowling, which I haven't done in at least a year. Pretty fun, after three frames I had a whopping total of 8 pins, but somehow bounced back and ended up in second place. Then we went to Wheel's, hoping to see him, Fuhrman (his car was there), Jesse, and Kirby...but they were out. So I put my cigarette out on Alan's hood and we left lol.

2. Found out yesterday that I officially start my office training at Weis this Friday night. It sucks having to work a Friday night, but I'm excited.

3. UNC BEAT DUKE! After like, 6 straight losses against them. UNC finally won it's conference title for the first time in over 10 years, and should have a #1 seed in the upcoming NCAA tourney. Really looking forward to that. Then again, the Steelers were also a #1 seed in the playoffs, and found a way to blow it. Hopefully UNC won't ruin this season like Pittsburgh did.

That's enough for now. Comment if you want, I guess. Peace.

Ok, maybe there are girl problems.

2005-02-27T05:23:50Z

Posted earlier tonight:
"No girl problems anymore"

Speaking too soon...I hung out with Shane and a couple friends tonight, and talked and thought about a lot of shit.

1. I've heard from 2 people of 2 sightings of her with another guy...one with her holding hands with another guy and him trying to kiss her, and another by Alan with her just hanging out with another guy n shit..not a reason to dump her, but it's also not the only thing pissing me off about her. And now tonight, for the first time, I'm hearing rumors that she fucked George Weber back around December...she denied it to Sarah, but of course she would..cuz she knew Sarah would tell me.

2. Never calls me. I understand that her cell phone is currently gone for 2 weeks, but God knows she's hanging out with other people that have cell phones. I can't call her, she can sure as hell call me. Saying I love you is one thing, but it's hard to prove when you make no attempt to see me, and never call me. Plus, when she did have her phone, she still hardly called, and everytime I called, I got the same response.."Can I call you back in a minute/little bit?"..to which I said sure, and of course, she never called back. Hell, I haven't talked to her all of this weekend, or last weekend, except for Sunday night for about 20 minutes.

3. Never see her. There's no excuse for this..she lives 5 minutes away, and has no job..she has virtually ever night free. I have a job, but I don't work every night. I have off EVERY Friday night. But convienantly, she has plans every Friday night...then it's always "Well, what time do you work Saturday?" 12-8..as always.."That's not too bad"..no it's not, it'd still be time to see you, if you actually made the god damned effort to call me and make plans. Fuck, I saw Lauren MORE than I see her..last time I saw her was when we went down to White Marsh...that was Feb. 4...today is the 26th.

I've always trusted her, and I've never had a reason not to, but now the suspicions of her playing around are growing. And all of a sudden, she has no time to try to see me or call me, yet she's out with somebody, God knows who, every weekend. I'm not cool with that. I'm not going to sit around every weekend worried about where my girlfriend is. That's not a relationship. And of course, no there's point in saying all this too her, whenever I DO talk to again..it'll just turn into a huge drama fest and it'll all get turned back on me. That's fine, cause if that's what happens, I'm not even going to wait for an explanation..I'm gone. I'm at the end of my rope, and unfortunately, I don't see things changing anytime soon.

Well, just wanted to get this off my chest. Comment I guess, I could use advice. Peace.

Another Weekend, Another Update.

2005-02-27T02:41:25Z

Well, here I am waitin for Shane to get off work so we can go hang out..have nothing else to do, so I figure I'll sit here and update this.

Been a pretty good week/weekend so far. Snow was a blessing and a curse...going home early on Thursday and a delay Friday is nice..but having to work Wednesday night was hell...seems like everyone in Hanover thinks 4 inches of snow is the end of the world, and HAS to come shopping..supposed to get snow Monday, so today, and I'm sure tomorrow too, was busy as hell.

Went out with Shane and Sarah last night..didn't really do much of anything, but it was nice getting out of the house and seeing them..we did run into Ty, and talked to him for about an hour..I missed that kid. Worked all day today, and stopped by Shur-Fine to talk to Shane..he seemed really tired, but said we're still gonna hang out tonight. Woot.

No real girl problems anymore, but some suspicions...Wednesday, right after school, Sarah told me that she saw Carley holding hands with another guy walking down the hallway..so I was getting a little mad and paranoid about that..then I talked to Carley that night about it, and she said it was just a friend..and since I trust her and have no reason to not believe her, I let it go. Of course, what Carley forgot to mention is that guy also tried to kiss her..something Sarah told me last night, but Carley didn't tell me. Then today at work Alan told me that he saw her with a guy Friday at school, playing with his hair or some shit. It's all pretty innocent, except for the kiss, and there's no reason to get upset..but if it's all happening with the same guy, then there's going to be a problem. But I've got too much going on to be stressed out or worried over girls, it's not worth it to me anymore.

Speaking of girls, I've been talking to my ex Tara a lot lately (lol for the "Tara story" entry, go back a couple pages). Jessie and Lauren say I'm falling for her again, but I don't really see it. She's just a really good friend, and it's nice to be talking to her a lot again n keeping in touch, and I just don't wanna lose that. If I ever move down there, where we're closer, then who knows..but now's definitely not the time or place, and I've matured enough over the past 3 years to realize that. If Carley is playing me, then I'm going to end it with her, and beat the shit out of that guy...but there'll be no running back to any ex-girlfriends. lol Sorry to disappoint everyone of any kind of drama.

Well, that's a pretty lengthy entry, so I'll wrap this up, since it's almost 10 and Shane should be calling soon. Peace niggas.

malevolentcha0s @ 2005-02-23T22:05:00

2005-02-24T03:05:33Z

Here Carley, I told you it was easy to convert pictures into text. In yo' FACE!..or..ass. Click it for the full size.

Ok Carley, fine! I'll update.

2005-02-23T02:27:53Z

Well, another exciting weekend, but not nearly as bad as the last one lol. I'll stop making my journal so negative.

Thursday night Carley called me at work and gave me a pretty good scare. As I'm sure most of you already know, she was in a car accident Thursday, so I won't go into the details. But I'm just really glad and thankful that she got out mostly unharmed..she's still a little banged up, but it could of been much worse. I don't know what I would do without her, I love her so much :-*.

Friday me and Shane n Sarah went down to Towson, which was fun. Even picked Carley up some Chic-fil-A, since I figured she'd be at home, I'd drop it off and see her, but she was out when I called, so I ate it myself. Oh well lol.

Worked on Saturday, spent Sunday here...me n Car got into a little bit of a fight Sunday night, but everything's better now.

And that's my update, because Carley has to go soon and wants to see it. Leave a comment. Peace nigga.

Sigh..worst..weekend..ever.

2005-02-12T03:46:40Z

I never thought I'd say this, but...

I can't wait for school Monday.

After all that's happened Thursday night and today, I'm almost scared of what the last two days of the weekend are going to be like..

Thursday night, I finally got Fable, and started playing my X-Box. That was fun..for 45 minutes. XBox started making a weird noise, said my game was dirty. So I cleaned it, and when I restarted the box, it wouldn't even boot up. Just a screen, stating that my "XBox needs serviced or repaired", in about 15 different languages. Great. So after all that anticipation and waiting, I shipped the broken XBox back (because of a warranty)...unfortunately, I had to ship it back to ARIZONA, which means, at minimum, I have to wait a month to get another one, that hopefully works.

Then today, I'm out with Shane, since I had off school and work..well..supposed to have off work. All I wanted was to get my check. That's it. Walked into Weis, went up to the office to pay for my soda and get my check, and Bonnie asks me if I can work. Dammit. I didn't think fast enough to have a good excuse, all I said was that I had to go to dinner with Carley tonight..but ended up having to work from 2:30 - 4. Not too bad, but it was busy, and I just didn't want to work. Called Shane as I got off, but he had dropped off the face of the earth..so I had to drag mom up there to get me and take me home.

Then I filled out Carley's v-day card, and tried desperately to get ahold of Shane, since he was me and Carley's ride to the resturant. Carley got on, and after an entire week of expecting dinner, she all of a sudden wants to go to the movies. Now I'm getting frustrated, because I have to figure out movie times now, as well as inform Shane of the changes. Shane finally answers his IMs, and is ready to get us, but Carley CAN'T DECIDE WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO. I love her, I do, but sometimes I want to kick the shit out of her. So while Carley's going back and forth, I'm getting pretty mad, and hoping that Shane doesn't get tired of waiting around. Finally I say "screw it, we'll just come pick you up, then we'll decide what to do..because I just want to see you tonight, I don't care what we do." Except we CAN'T come pick her up, because now all of a sudden her dad says she can't go anywhere. So not only do I not go out to dinner with her tonight, I don't even get to see her, and I'm stuck at home on my Friday night.

Soon enough I get over that, and decide that I'm going to play Ragnarok. I have 2k3 on my computer, and that doesn't support it, so I have to format and change to XP. Simple enough. Except I get confused on which hard drive is which. In the "My Computer", I see a drive titled "C", and a drive titled "Backup"...now, I have two hard drives in my actual box, so I assume that the two drives in My Computer are the two different physical drives. WRONG. So I backup EVERYTHING valuable on the "Backup" drive, then reboot, and enter XP setup. I format the 80 gig hard drive, thinking that it's just the "C" drive, not knowing that it's partitioned into two drives..one "C", one "Backup". So, once XP gets done, I look in My Computer, and to my dismay...see the single "C" drive..no backup. After about 5 minutes, it hits me...I just deleted every song, every video, and every file I EVER had on my computer....devastation. Almost 2,000 music files, tons of videos, everything I ever had on this computer..gone. Right now I have AIM..that's it.

So recap..in 36 hours, I have a broken XBox, unscheduled work, a broken date, and an empty computer. I'm almost afraid to wake up tomorrow. Well, I guess it can't get much worse.

BEHOLD! Thine eyes hath seen an update!

2005-02-06T01:58:03Z

Well..I did some tidying up. Cabin fever makes you do things like this. For a standard layout, I think it's pretty..pimp, if I say so myself.

So, it's been another three months since I updated. What's happened? Hrmm...

Well, Christmas came and went..as it should have with everyone, so I guess that's not really news. I failed a drug test, even though I was clean, so I got grounded for a month. Carley broke up with me. Yes, I put those two events next to each other because there is a connection. No worries now, though.

The Steelers lost to the Patriots...again. They choked one game away from the Superbowl..again. Life went on, I'm still here...just not interested at all in watching the game tomorrow. Oh well, maybe I can win some money in a football pool. At least I still have the #2 Tarheels to root for til March.

Got ungrounded...it was bound to happen. Starting training to go into the office at Weis..nothing like a promotion to make work slightly more interesting. I've never handled so much money in my life..very tempting, but I have self-control. At least I'll know where it all is if I ever get fired and decided to rob the store. Just kidding Alan, don't tell Bill that.

And last night was probably the biggest thing in a while. Saw Carley for the first time of 2005 (Saw each other on New Year's Eve, so I guess I saw her for a couple hours this year >_>)...the usual gang, consisting of me, her, Shane, and Sarah, headed down to White Marsh, Maryland. Carley asked me back out on the way down, we're a couple again..woot ;). Quaint little town, except for the huge-ass mall right in the middle of it. So, we shopped...or, the girls shopped..you know how it is, guys. Then, we went to a little resturant called Bennigan's to eat, and the only reason I went was to see one of the new employees there...

Lauren. O_O

Yes, pick your jaws back up, you read that correctly. Not only did I go 3 hours round trip to see my ex-girlfriend, I took my current girlfriend with me. Relationship suicide. Or so I thought. Surprisingly, things went very smooth, and everyone got along. Of course, it was a tad bit emotional, it's always little weird seeing a girl that you went out with for over a year, and haven't seen in almost that long. But, all I had to do was look at what I've been blessed with now (I love you babe), and those feelings passed pretty quickly. So, we left, came home, went to bed, pretty exhausted. Woot.

And that's the update. Hopefully the one..maybe two..readers I still have left came back to see it. Anyway, I'll probably start updating more now, not much else to do during winter.

Peace nigga.

Sick, but Duty Still Calls

2004-11-30T22:02:16Z

Well, considering that I only update this thing every 6 months, it's going to be a shock to most of you that I updated it twice in two weeks. But the significant other is on my case about it, and since she's updating hers now, I can return the favor.

It was a fun Thanksgiving vacation...any time with no school is fun. Going down to visit family in Maryland and being able to boast about the 10-1 Steelers was priceless...seems like they have no trash talk left now. UNC Tarheels are one of the best African roundball teams in the country, and are 4-1...between that and a GREAT new lady, the second half of 2004 is shaping up to be one of the best 6 months of my life.

Friday was great, went with Sarah and Shane over to Wheels, where Fuhrman, Kirby, and Jesse were haning out, and had a grand old time. Saturday I stayed in...Sarah and Shane had a date, and my baby was out with her friends...Sunday was pretty much the same...watched football, then went to Pat's with Shane for about an hour.

Woke up on Monday with what I now am sure is the flu, but since I hadn't seen my girl since Wednesday, I was determined to hang out with her. So I did. And I really hope I didn't make her sick too =(. Also got my first hickey in a long time heh, told everyone in school today that I got into a fight, and "you should have seen what I did to the other guy"..but it didn't fool anyone.

So since I'm sick, I called off work tonight, and now have time to update this. Since I have all night, Carley better get her ass on soon, because I miss her very very much. She's such a great girl, and I couldn't ask for anything more than what I have right now...hell, I wasn't even sure we'd ever get together, but I'm very grateful and feel very blessed that we are :). I'm finally genuinely happy, for the first time in a long time, and I only have you to thank for that baby <3. She's a girlfriend and a friend..one minute we can be rough-housing, with her usually beating the crap out of me lol, and the next minute we can be making out..I have no idea how it works that way, but it's awesome.

Well, I can't think of much else to write right now, so I'll wrap this up. Happy now Carley? :-*

RyRy <3's his Car :)

Forced Update...I protest

2004-11-22T02:20:05Z

Well, I'm going to finally update this thing...so Carley can stop yelling at me to do it. When was the last time I updated...August? That long ago? What has happened since then...

One week after last update: Lauren IMs me and apologizes, we've been friends against ever since. I knew she didn't hate me.

Late Aug/Early Sept: I ask out this amazing girl I know named Carley, that've liked since I met her. She admits she likes me, too, says she just needs some time to think about it. Well, she gets plenty of that, cuz...

Sept: Busted! Shane calls my house asking for adderall (which I didn't have any of, and honestly hadn't been doing for a while. Parents listen in on the conversation, get suspicious...find dozens of AIM convos where I talk about drug usage, find empty cigarette packs and a dime bag, and I'm grounded for a month. Carley doesn't wait, and I don't blame her, and goes out with someone else for a couple weeks.

Oct: Freedom! Ask out a single Carley once again, and get more hesitation. Hm..I don't think much else happened that month. Freedom's boring.

Nov.: Watch the Presidential elections, get disappointed. Take the SATS on the 6th, got my scores yesterday...1290 :). Weis is so busy for Thanksgiving that I already hate the holidays...and the most important update...

November 21st, as I was writing this, me and Carley became a couple. She's the greatest girl I know, great personality and beautiful, more than I could ever ask for or deserve..I hope it lasts a long time. Thank you for giving me a chance baby, you won't be disappointed :-*. But please...could you get off my back about me not driving? lol

I guess that does it for now, I'll be updating a lot more now, and you can rest assured, they're all going to be sappy, sweet, make-you-wanna-puke entries about my baby girl :)

The Fight of the Century: Lauren vs. Ryan (Full Convo Included)

2004-08-16T04:33:51Z

So, as I promised in the update right below this, here's this fight. A little bit of background first. If you skipped the post I just made below (the real update) to read this one first, then you need to be filled in. If you know me, you know the fights me and my ex Tara used to have. They were, hellacious, in a word. Me and her even talk about them now, as friends, and laugh..but agree they were pretty bad at the time. Well, this week (August 8-14), me and Lauren, for whatever reason, had a knock-down, drag-out brawl that made me and Tara look like a couple of preschoolers fighting over animal crackers. Yes, it was seriously that bad.

July 30th...me and Lauren talked that night. We ended up back in a common argument...about her saying she loved me and not meaning it, she throws the same back at me, even though I did love her, and we end up fighting all night. Excerpts of this convo are in the post below. Anyway...I said not tonight, I wasn't in the mood. I didn't care anymore, I was starting to finally move on, get on with my life, and the last thing I needed was another fight with her, because that would eventually lead to a make-up, which would drag me back down to where I was before. So, in a dumbed-down version, I told her that while I still had good memories of our relationship deep down, they were so covered by bad memories of all the fights and bullshits she's pulled since we broke up, that I consider going out with her a terrible mistake, and didn't want to talk to her anymore. Of course, that wasn't entirely true, I just had to put on a tough-man front. The only mistakes I made with her was having sex, and not dumping her when I should have, when she turned 18 and started to become a self-centered know-it-all bitch. Anyway, she granted my wish, by blocking me for a full minute...unblocking me...and putting up an away message and going to bed. That was the last time we spoke a single word to each other until August 9th.

Now think of those two dates. They're 11 days apart, as I said in the post above. 11 days of no talking. Hell, even on the 4th, what would have been our 2 year anniversary, I refrained from talking to her, even after she put up the kick-in-the-balls away message saying, and I quote: "8/4 - Fuck what I thought love was, I have my Joely now and that's all I'll ever need." I wasn't expecting to get flowers from her, but I already had my mind on the date, the least she could have done was save me the pain of seeing that. But no, to do that she'd have to be considerate of my feelings.

Ok ok so anyway, August 9th rolls around. I'm sitting here, like I am now (except not updating). Me and Lauren had unblocked one another since the 30th, but we hadn't spoken at all. All of a sudden, she puts up an away message. Of course, I'm curious, so I look, and I don't remember it word for word, but it said: "Doing something I should have done a looong time ago. Burning all the pictures, letters, memories away.... (big smiley face)." Obviously I knew it meant me. I don't know what prompted her to do this out of nowhere..hell, I haven't even burnt her stuff yet, and I have every right to. So at first I ignored this, but after a while it just grated on my nerves, and finally I broke our silence and put my response up..."I already beat you to it, sweetie..." Of course, it was a lie. But I had to respond, I was tired of just laying down and taking shots from her via her away messages. So she came back, and a moment later this next away message went up...and this is where it all started to go to hell:

"You may have beat me to it, but at least I wasn't the one that was rejected by 4 girls this summer! Maybe you should get some braces, then it'd be easier for them to look at you LMAO!!"

Hmm, that seems shorter than I remember, so I prolly forgot a sentence, but if I did, it was just another cheapshot anyway...no biggie. So that just made my blood boil, and I responded....And the whole, unedited convo/truth starts here....I'll provide commentary at parts.

Malevolent Cha0s: 2, babe, not 4...maybe you should have learned to count before you dropped out of school. one was by ash, whos back with an idiot who's 10 times worse looking than i am, so i wouldnt talk so fast while knowing so little. i know its easy for you to pick up guys, but i cant just jump on every guy's dick like you can, i have a thing called dignity. besides, at least ive only been rejected by a couple girls...ur one of the only people i know who was rejected by their own biological father:-)
Roxy Gurlieo 69 returned at 6:46:59 PM.
Roxy Gurlieo 69: riight whatever
Roxy Gurlieo 69: no bodys worse looking than you
Malevolent Cha0s: you are
Malevolent Cha0s: i never blossomed out to 180 pounds lmao
Roxy Gurlieo 69: yeah back then
Roxy Gurlieo 69: woo hoo
Malevolent Cha0s: lol
Roxy Gurlieo 69: you wonder why we had sex only 3 times you fucking suck!!!
Roxy Gurlieo 69: and the one time you did finish i couldnt look at you
Roxy Gurlieo 69: eww

*Actually, the only reason we only had sex three times is because it was boring since she never really even did anything but lay there, and she never made the time to see me anyway, so there was no chance to...I was her boyfriend, but apparently not as important as someone she just had met, like say, Joel, who she was with every single day. I can't defend myself against the sex charges because she's the only one I've been with, and I'm sure her words were more her just trying to get under my skin, considering she's said the oppposite many times before. But as I see it, I'd rather be inexperienced....than do it with every person I come across and be able to judge others on their performance by comparing it to 20 other people I've had before them, like she does.

Malevolent Cha0s: just grow up already, you loved me, u thought i was good looking, and you went out with me for a year...u can put up all the childish bullshit and insults that u want, but we both know the truth...i was content to just move on, but once again, u have to start the insults again
Roxy Gurlieo 69: atleast i dont cut myself with razors on my face when i get mad

*Anytime a comeback starts with "at least I", you know the person you're fighting with is immature and has nothing better to throw at you. Cmon, this is supposed to be a mature, 18 year old college student, and all she has is a bunch of "at least I"..but it gets even better. As for me cutting my face, I'm not suicidal, as she'd like to make it seem. I was mad because I wasn't going to be able to go to her graduation and see her walk (dumb thing to care about now that I look back on it)..and I actually did need to shave...but apparently it's not a good idea to shave when you're mad. As a result, I had 3 pretty good size nicks in my face that left temporary scabs. But they weren't intentional, not like I cut my wrists or something.

Roxy Gurlieo 69: talk about my dad all you wont i dont give a shit
Malevolent Cha0s: at least i was never in a mental institution because my father rejected me..see, we can do this all night, but id rather not
Malevolent Cha0s: so just grow up
Roxy Gurlieo 69: you do the same
Malevolent Cha0s: i am
Malevolent Cha0s: i have been for the past couple weeks, even with the "fuck what i thought love was" away messages and all the other shots u took at me
Roxy Gurlieo 69: you took the same ones
Roxy Gurlieo 69: i dont wanna hear it
Malevolent Cha0s: u loved me, admit it and move on, like i am...stepping backwards and trying to deny it and insulting me and acting like u never had any feelings for me is something a middle schooler does
Roxy Gurlieo 69: i loved you or thought what was love but i dunno
Malevolent Cha0s: yea
Roxy Gurlieo 69: i just regret all of it
Malevolent Cha0s: so regret it, but no need to instigate more shit
Roxy Gurlieo 69: ok
Roxy Gurlieo 69: well you said i was a terriable mistake so why the hell did you fucking im me tonight
Malevolent Cha0s: cuz im not gonna just sit down and be insulted, especially when ur informations wrong....and insulting people through an away message is pretty low
Roxy Gurlieo 69: aw so sad get the fuck over it
Roxy Gurlieo 69: and move on
Malevolent Cha0s: i am, why dont u take ur own advice
Roxy Gurlieo 69: honey i BEEN moved on since march

*Timeout! There's another huge lie. We were going out in March! We broke up in late March/early April because of Joel, even though she didn't admit it at the time. Hell, on this page there's a post with the convo where she tells me she likes him. I posted it the night after she said it, and it's dated APRIL 25TH! Moved on in March my ass, get your memory checked.

Malevolent Cha0s: then why do u still feel the need to take shots at me?
Malevolent Cha0s: n i know u havent "been moved on", like that makes any sense, since march, because ive got logs where you say right out of ur own mouth that ur not moved on...but there u go again, being hypocritical
Roxy Gurlieo 69: oh well im a hypocrit
Roxy Gurlieo 69: what else is ne
Roxy Gurlieo 69: *new
Malevolent Cha0s: exactly
Roxy Gurlieo 69: who cares what does it matter
Malevolent Cha0s: i dont care, and it doesnt matter to me, it hasnt until u felt the need to act like a 5 year old once again...so just get off it and go back to whatever bullshit u were doing, i have stuff to do tonight
Roxy Gurlieo 69: yeah whatever
Malevolent Cha0s: no more whatevers...bye lauren
Roxy Gurlieo 69: fuck you i hope you fucking kill yourself and make this world a happier place :-)
Malevolent Cha0s: bye:-)
Roxy Gurlieo 69: bye lil faggot
Roxy Gurlieo 69: :-)
Malevolent Cha0s: done yet?
Roxy Gurlieo 69 signed off at 6:59:31 PM.
Roxy Gurlieo 69 signed on at 7:01:25 PM.
Roxy Gurlieo 69 signed off at 7:02:14 PM.

*Sigh...remember the "at least I" insult, where I said it gets better? This is as good as it gets. She realizes she's not getting under my skin today, that I honestly don't care about her anymore. She throws her trademark, 4th-grade "Whatever" at me, and I get ready to leave and be done with her. Of course, HAVING to get the last word in, she blasts the f-bomb a couple times and says she hopes I kill myself. Nevermind the fact that when I told her, months ago, that I wished she would die...that she swore to me that she would NEVER, EVER wish death on me....she does it right there. H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T! How many examples does she need before she realizes it? With that statement above, she's officially gone backwards on EVERYTHING she's EVER said to me. But, that insult/wish bounces off of my cold, hard outer shell as well, and then she gets really desperate...and very very immature. "Bye lil faggot :)"...wow. Wow. I need to think about this for a minute. First of all, that's something my 8 year old sister calls me when she gets mad. My 13 year old sister even uses insults more advanced than that now. Really, Lauren, you can do better than that. Besides, what makes me a faggot? Is she saying she looks like a guy? Is she convinced that I couldn't handle our breakup and decided to swing the other way? I dunno...all I know is that I can vouch that I've never had a sexual experience with a member of my own sex...she can't say the same, considering, well, she did eat out someone that used to be her best friend. That's not something to get her back with, that's the truth...I'll tell you about if you guys would like to hear it, but not now. So I guess, I should be calling her the little dyke. Either way, I get the usual...block, unblock a minute later, block again...just in case it didn't work the first time she did it.

So I refuse to let THAT pathetic insult be the last shot fired in what had been a pretty good fight...so I got on another screen name, and royally bitched her out..I wish I had logged what I said, but I didn't. It was good though....good enough that it actually got her to say "I'm sorry." HA! Like I was going to forgive and forget after all of that. She had to be kidding. I told her I didn't wanna hear any of her apologies and excuses, I just wanted to get that off my chest before we stopped talking...then I blocked her. Of course, the mature college student can't let things be, and has to one-up me, so she unblocks me....

Roxy Gurlieo 69 signed on at 7:17:07 PM.
Roxy Gurlieo 69: fuck you what ever no i dont take it back (*Ah, so she was joking after all....good.)
Roxy Gurlieo 69: bc you did the fucking same exact thing
Malevolent Cha0s: no i didnt
Roxy Gurlieo 69: yes you always fucking did
Malevolent Cha0s: i didnt do anything do deserve what i was given tonight
Roxy Gurlieo 69: you wernt there for me
Malevolent Cha0s: yes i was
Malevolent Cha0s: right up until u kicked me out n wanted joel there instead
Roxy Gurlieo 69: ok well whatevr you saw me as a terrible mistake and never wanted anything to do with me
Malevolent Cha0s: but once again, ur view of things is completely fucked up, and im tired of arguing trying to change ur mind, i dont need to do that anymore. i dunno where all ur anger came from tonight, i havent seen that side of u before, and i never want to again...but i hope that one day u can get rid of that anger, cuz i feel bad for u
Roxy Gurlieo 69: im just giving you what you wanted
Malevolent Cha0s: what, a bunch of insults and shit-talking through away messages?

(*Wasn't there for her? Yea, I guess it was another guy's shoulder she cried on when she got busted for underage drinking in a public park while she was on E, and was scared to death that she would never get to see me or talk to me again...I guess another guy told her it was going to be alright, and of course, it was alright. I guess it was someone else that was there when her family life got rough and she was going to have to move into her mom's house instead, even though that meant we wouldn't be able to talk online anymore, and rarely on the phone (different long-distance plan..more money)..but that other guy was there, and things turned out all right again. But wait a minute! It couldn't have been another guy that was there for her! It had to be me...because no other guy would have ever cared enough about her to put up with her shit when things got rough..but I did. When she went into college and put more strain on our relationship, a normal high schooler would have said it wasn't worth it, and moved on to find a closer girl that was his age...but I stayed with her, no matter how bad things got. When she was "confused" and wanted to take a "break", any other guy would have flipped out, bitched her out for wasting a year of his life, and dumped her. I didn't...I gave her space, I waited, and I helped her with anything she needed. I was fooled, and I shouldn't have been there for her with that one, but the point is, I was there for her every time she needed me, no matter how much pain and distress it put me through. They have a word for that..it's called love. And for her to pull some accusation out of her ass that none of what I just said ever happened...that shows that she had no idea what that word meant. And this fight is her giving me what I want/need? No, I wanted space. I had space, we hadn't talked in almost 2 weeks! Things were fine, and in a month of two I would have been over her and ready to build a good friendship. But I guess she doesn't want that, even though she shoved it down my throat right after we broke up, saying we needed to be.

Roxy Gurlieo 69: however you see it
Roxy Gurlieo 69: you know where that anger came from
Roxy Gurlieo 69: you
Roxy Gurlieo 69: you fucking brought it out in me
Malevolent Cha0s: how?
Malevolent Cha0s: i havent even talked to u in 2 weeks
Malevolent Cha0s: i could see that coming out one of the other nights we were fighting, but not now..ur with another guy, who you "love" and whos in "love" with you, n as u said, uve been over me since march...so what would cause such an outburst tonight
Roxy Gurlieo 69: everyhing
Roxy Gurlieo 69: *everything
Malevolent Cha0s: like what, what the hell did i do?

*I'm bolding this for a reason. That's the one question that is still unanswered, the one thing that I still want to know. Apparently she hates me for something. She'll say later down here that she has and never will hate someone as much as she hates me now...and I can't change that, but all I can say is...why? What did I do? You tried to shove a friendship down my throat while I was still crying at home with a broken heart...I didn't want a friendship then, and it caused a lot of fights...fine. But remember what you said? I do..."I just don't want us to end up hating each other...that scares me." Obviously, you've gotten over that fear..and once again, gone back on something else you said to me. I didn't do anything...I gave myself space, so that when I was ready, we could be friends again. I never wanted it to be this way. I either wanted us to be friends later on, or just part ways...it takes too much energy, too much anger to hate. And I can't hate someone I was madly in love with..I don't think anyone can. So either you don't really hate me, or you didnt' really love me..I haven't the slightest idea which one it is. But I guess you had no patience...you couldn't wait a month or two for me to say "I'm over it now, I'm ready to move on, but I still want you in my life, so let's be friends"....nah..you decided to come out of nowhere with this newfound "hate"...and again, I just can't help but ask what the cause of it is....

Malevolent Cha0s: i mean tara knows i can be frustrating too, but even she says shes never seen that mean side of u before
Malevolent Cha0s: basically u sound like ashleigh now...the braces and rejection insults are the same exact ones shes used before...so if uve let...whatever the hell it is...drop u to the level of a 17 year old superficial self-centered ditz, then i feel sorry for u, but im not letting u take me with u
Roxy Gurlieo 69: h/o
Roxy Gurlieo 69: ight back
Roxy Gurlieo 69 is away at 7:32:02 PM.
Roxy Gurlieo 69 returned at 7:32:32 PM.
Roxy Gurlieo 69: you have your opionion
Malevolent Cha0s: n u have urs, even as messed up and wrong as it may be
Malevolent Cha0s: but i can remember all the nights that u said ud never hurt me intentionally, and the last thing ud ever wanna do is hurt me, etc....n basically, thats exactly what u did tonight. so uve officially gone back on every thing uve ever ever said to me...so i hope u can be proud of that. if i were u id send this entire argument to joel, so he can get prepared for whats gonna happen to him when u guys break up...it doesnt matter who the guy is, ur just a confused little girl who has no idea what she wants, goes back and forth on what she thinks, n wont be able to hold a steady relationship for a long long time. and before u throw it back in my face about how ive hurt u, when we would fight (that u would usually start, by the way), two wrongs never make a right. no matter what ive said, it doesnt give u the right to do what u did tonight. i thought since u were older, u would be the bigger person, but i guess ur not as mature as u think, or that i thought
Roxy Gurlieo 69: what happened to me and you is diff
Malevolent Cha0s: so go ahead n block me, or dont even read that, its not my choice..but we both know the truth, or at least i do, n thats enough for me
Roxy Gurlieo 69: i have and never will have this mucvh hate toward soemone
Malevolent Cha0s: but then again u go back on everything u say, so i can know thats the truth...i dont know what i did to deserver that hate, if anything, i should have said all that shit to YOU tonight, i have a reason
Roxy Gurlieo 69: you have been the only person that has ever brought this side of me out
Roxy Gurlieo 69: say it to me :-)
Malevolent Cha0s: no, i didnt bring it out, i didnt do anything to bring it out, u brought it out urself, for whatever reason. dont blame it on me
Malevolent Cha0s: no, cuz im a bigger person than that
Roxy Gurlieo 69: right
Malevolent Cha0s: right
Malevolent Cha0s: n here we go again, we'll keep going back and forth with one-sentence insults and comebacks, n then ull block me. usual routine, ur too predictable
Roxy Gurlieo 69: whatever like you said im a terriable mistake blah blah blah blah blah
Roxy Gurlieo 69: no
Roxy Gurlieo 69: im just giving you a dose of all the shit you did to me

*(Once again, what shit did I do to you? I never said I hated you. I told you the truth, that I regretted we had sex, that I was mad about you fucking me over, and I have more bad memories of you than good...that's the truth..I didn't make it the truth, you did. If you wanna hate me because of mistakes and things that YOU did, then I have to say that's really messed up..but if that's what you want, I can't change your mind, and I don't care enough to try to anymore.)

Malevolent Cha0s: cuz u were, and after tonight im 100% sure of that
Malevolent Cha0s: i didnt do that shit to you
Roxy Gurlieo 69: dosent feel so good does it
Malevolent Cha0s: i told u the truth, that i regret u and ur a hypocritcal bitch...theres proof to support that, n i was content to leave it at that. what ur doing is pretending that u never loved me n that u regret everything, when i know, and u know, somewhere inside that twisted fucked-up soul, that u did love me, very much, n u can try to cover that up with "hate", but ur living a lie, n once again, i feel sorry for u
Roxy Gurlieo 69: haha
Roxy Gurlieo 69: im living a lie
Roxy Gurlieo 69: whatever
Roxy Gurlieo 69: bye
Malevolent Cha0s: yes, laugh it off and give me a whatever
Malevolent Cha0s: again, predictable
Roxy Gurlieo 69 signed off at 7:41:52 PM.
Roxy Gurlieo 69 signed on at 7:42:18 PM.
Roxy Gurlieo 69: fuck you
Roxy Gurlieo 69: stop talking to me
Malevolent Cha0s: no no no, this isnt over yet, im not done. if im gonna be hated so much, i have a right to know why
Roxy Gurlieo 69: no
Roxy Gurlieo 69: bye
Malevolent Cha0s: give me one good, real reason why i deserve that
Malevolent Cha0s: cuz u dont have one
Roxy Gurlieo 69 signed off at 7:43:00 PM.

Exactly. She doesn't have one. She has no reason why she hates me, she can't think of when, and when put on the spot to give me one, she runs away. Hell, I really believe that I deserve a reason why. If a man is to be hated so viciously, he has a right to know why...am I right? I'm not begging her to not hate me, I'm respecting her decision...you wanna hate me, fine, but at least tell me why, so I can bring peace to myself. So that I can fix that fatal flaw and be a better boyfriend in my next relationship. Because apparently, I've done something horribly, horribly wrong to you...maybe I did, that's not complete sarcasm. But even if I did...after all the shit I went through for you...I think I at least deserve to know what that wrong thing was.

But I don't think I did anything to deserve hate. I was a good boyfriend...not perfect, no one is, and not exactly Prince Charming...but I treated you better than any other guy had before...you told me that yourself. I cared about you, I loved you, and I showed that, all the time...almost to the point where maybe it started to bug you. I sent you flowers on your birthday...remember that? Sure, not a big deal now, but I'm the only guy who's ever done that for you, and when you got em, it was the happiest I'd seen you since we got together. Tell me, has Joel done that for you yet? Would he come home from school everyday, if he was in school, and throw his homework to the side, call you right away and talk to you for hours....knowing that it meant he would be up all night doing that work, and dead tired the next day? Because I did, every day. I supported you through every stupid decision you made, even if I was yelling at you inside my head, I supported you...when you got caught drinking and doing e in public (really dumb move), I sympathisized for you, even though my logical side thought you deserved it. Who was the guy that went to homecoming with you?...Who hated dances, with a passion, who didn't really have to go, but wanted to, because it was your last one...and even danced to boot....oh yeah..that was me. Who took you back when you kissed another guy and decided to not tell me about it, and I had to hear it from youf friend? Hell, any other guy would have reacted a lot worse than I did...I wonder how Joel would handle it. When shit got tough, and we wondered why we were even still trying, who was the one that had to give the big pep-talk and right the sinking ship? Sure as hell wasn't you, you were always ready to throw in the towel. I kept us going...because I loved you, and you were everyything I had. I would have taken a bullet for you, I would have sacrificed anything I had to, to make you happy and keep you by my side.

And you know what the saddest thing is? You used to feel the same way...even though you'll never admit it now. You used to love me and care about me, as much as I did, sometimes it seemd like more...and you'd always, always make sure I knew exactly how strongly you felt. That's what we were supposed to be, that's how a couple is supposed to act...and then you turned 18 and went to college. And something happened. I don't know what, I don't care what, but something inside of you changed. I'm afraid of my birthday this year now, because I don't wanna end up like you are now. What was it about growing up that made you so...snobby, and bitchy, and selfish? Was it the fact that you were in college and I was in high school, so you thought I was inferior to you, that I didn't deserve the same respect and love I had gotten before? Was it because you were an adult and I was still a teenager, so you think that everything I say is wrong, and you're right just because you're older? Hell, that convo proves that age doesn't make you mature (lil faggot?). I don't know what it was, but the Lauren I fell in love with...you killed her. And it killed us. I wasn't perfect, I know, but the reason we broke up, was you. The stupid breaks, the confusion about everything, blowing me off for friends you had just met, or finally backstabbing me and kicking me aside for Joel...I didn't do anything like that to you. I think I should be the one hating you. But I don't want to, it's not worth it. You hate me for no reason, and that hate seems so intense, that I feel bad for you, because you can't really be happy like that. Why don't you just admit that we were good together, we were in love, and it ended? No one did anything horribly wrong, least of all me...so why does anyone have to hate the other so intensely? Said you never wanted us to hate each other...guess things change...but I'm still here, as always...holding my end of the bargain, not hating you...and here for you, should you decide you want to talk without fighting.

If you're actually reading this Lauren, then I have to say I'm surprised. But then again, if you're still checking this, you can't hate me that much, can you? I don't have much to say to you anymore...if we had a chance of being friends before this, you shot it to hell now, I won't be able to act friendly with you without thinking of this. I just wish you would let your shield down, that "hate" you have..I see through it. It's easier for you to just hate me, and be done with it, than it is for you to realize you were in love with me, and just move on with time...hell, you may even realize, god forbid, that letting me go was a mistake. And if I'm wrong, if you really do hate me for whatever reason...I just want to, again...ask why? I'm still waiting for that good reason, and I still think I deserve it. What do you guys think?

Monthly Update for: August.

2004-08-16T03:17:25Z

Well, hollly crap this has been a while. And when I get done posting this, I bet it takes all of you a week to figure out that I updated*! I don't blame you, though. I'm gonna start doing a monthly update, because even though updates are rare, I've realized that I still manage get at least one in a month....I didn't have one for June, but tonight I made a filler post with the wrong date to take care of it..so when you're done here, go skim on down. There's a contest going on in it, with prizes. So, what has happened in the last month? Let's go through the run-down...lot of stuff went down, this WILL be long:

Late July: I bought a palm-pilot when I was down in Towson with Shane...completely impulse decision, spent $120 bucks and I had no idea why. I put pong on it, though...I have the most expensive pong game ever made. But now I'm using it more, will be using it a lot for school...and I need people's addresses/cell/phone numbers for the address book, so give em up!

August 4th: I know, I know what you're thinking when you see that date. "Ryan got together with another girl, he always does that on the 4th"...or "Ryan and Lauren had a big fight because it would have been 2 years (more on this later)"...but no, the 4th this year had NOTHING to do with girls, thank god...I made sure of it. I made sure that me, Shane, Sarah, Danielle, and Kylie, all traveled down to D.C. to see the VANS WARPED TOUR!...to get my mind off of things at least. It was the highlight of my summer...maybe even 2004 so far, and I had a great time. Only problem was it was the hottest day of the year down there...98 degrees, all day long, and very little shade. What's worse is standing in a tightly packed crowd of a couple thousand people while watching a band, especially if they're moving around and creating more heat. I swear, I was standing in the crowd waiting for Coheed and Cambria to go on...and in 3 minutes I was drenched in sweat..just from standing. Anyway..the best band of the day was undeniably Underoath. If you haven't heard of them, CHECK THEM OUT. I'll even send you the songs if you want...you won't be disappointed, I promise. Afterwards, we stood in line for an hour and met the guys...really cool, really down-to-earth good people...I supported them by buying their new cd...again, (I had already bought a copy of back in Hanover), for 10 bucks, and got it autographed by all the guys. It's in a frame, hanging on my wall now. The main reason I went was to see Taking Back Sunday...but an hour before they were to go on, New Found Glory jinxed the concert and brought a storm that kicked the fence's (and a couple other decorations) ass. So, someone decided it was time to leave, much to me and Sarah's protest...we were the only ones that liked TBS out of the group, so I'm sure none of them cared. I was mad for a while, but I had too good of a day to stay like that all night.

All of August: I am about to make a statement, that I never, ever, ever thought I would say or type. I, Ryan, am an avid fan of the Final Fantasy video game series. For years, I thought it was dumb, pointless, and just another crappy Japanese trend like DragonBall Z (which I still do and always will hate, by the way). But earlier this summer I bought the PS2 game Kingdom Hearts. For those of you drawing a blank, it was an rpg that Squaresoft (creators of FF games) and Disney worked together on. The result was a FF-ish game with a lot of Disney Characters. Sounds immature, but it's actually the best game I own right now, and I was hooked for two weeks until I finally beat it. After that, I figured I had to at least try Final Fantasy...so I went and bout Final Fantasy X. It didn't disappoint, I loved it...love it actually...haven't won yet. So I said screw it, I'm goin in head first...I went out the next night and bought VII, and VIII. Those were originally for the Playstation, and have crappy graphics, so you know I have to love it to play a game that looks bad, when there are so many alternatives with great graphics. The story more than makes up for it, though.

August 9th: For thsoe of you who have known me for a long time, you surely remember the knock-down drag-out fights that me and Tara had after we broke up. They were nasty, and me and her both admit that now that we're friends. Anyway...you may know that on this date, me and Lauren had a big fight...or you may not have known, either way you're about to see the entire, unedited conversation, so that she can't deny anything or try to twist anything to her advantage. A couple weeks back, July 30th is what my computer tells me, me and Lauren were having a rare conversation, that went something like this: (I skipped some of the polite formal "hey, what's up" crap, and tried to fix Lauren's mistakes and typos as best I could, but there's just too many.

Roxy Gurlieo 69: i didnt know what love was untill i met you
Malevolent Cha0s: n then u said u loved me in the first month, and u didnt even mean it yet, and had no idea what love was...thats whats called throwing the word around
Roxy Gurlieo 69: bc i thought i did
Roxy Gurlieo 69: but we rushed into things way too quickly we didnt even know eachother
Malevolent Cha0s: we didnt, u did
Roxy Gurlieo 69: theres not just one person in the relationship
Malevolent Cha0s: i knew what i felt when i said it, it never changed and i was sure of it, cuz id been there before, but not as deep...dont ask how, i just knew, and i was right...u said it without meaning it or knowing what it was
Malevolent Cha0s: so yea, theres 2 ppl in the relationship, but only 1 said shit they didnt mean and threw words around..and it wasnt me
Roxy Gurlieo 69: you didnt even know me
Roxy Gurlieo 69: how could you have loved me
Malevolent Cha0s: but this is an irrelevant argument thats only full of bad memories, so why even fight about it, i know how i felt, you don't, end of story
Roxy Gurlieo 69: ok
Roxy Gurlieo 69: anyways
Roxy Gurlieo 69: im sorry
Malevolent Cha0s: ok
Roxy Gurlieo 69: ok
Roxy Gurlieo 69: do you have any good memories of me
Malevolent Cha0s: maybe, somewhere deep down there..but you know, after all this, i dont care enough to think about them, or try to find them, and i dont want to
Roxy Gurlieo 69: ok
Malevolent Cha0s: i'd rather just think of you as a terrible, terrible mistake, and move on
Roxy Gurlieo 69: umm
Roxy Gurlieo 69: ok
Roxy Gurlieo 69: well in that case
Roxy Gurlieo 69: ill let you go
Roxy Gurlieo 69: sorry i ever botherd you
Malevolent Cha0s: yea
Roxy Gurlieo 69 signed off at 11:56:58 PM.
Roxy Gurlieo 69 signed on at 11:57:38 PM.
Roxy Gurlieo 69 is away at 11:59:34 PM.

Yep, she blocked me for an entire minute, and then unblocked me and went away...I guess that was to teach me a lesson, I don't know. I'm sure I was harsher to her than I needed to be, but by that night, I just didn't care anymore...I was starting to move on, get on with my life, and be happy again, and I just didn't need more arguments with her...so I just told her like it was. I'm not gonna be one of those people that love someone and then hate them after they break up (like she is...you'll see)..I exaggerated when I said she was a terrible mistake. The Lauren I had met and fell in love with wasn't a mistake in any sense of the word...she was great, until she turned 18 and died, and was replaced by...this. The only mistake I made (besides losing my virginity to someone so easy) was that I didn't dump her when she went to college and started to change...I noticed she was, but just didn't have the heart to do it, kept hoping some miracle would occur. And there are tons of good memories that I have left, I think about them often...but since we broke up, they've been buried underneath tons of fights and namecalling and other bad memories, so it's just not worth it to try to ignore the bad and dig up the good...I can't do it, I won't waste my time. Like I said, better to just move on. So that was the last time we talked until August 9th. Between July 30th and August 9th is 10 or 11 days, depending if you count the start and end dates. Just keep that in mind....11 days without saying a word to each other. I'm going to do the convo in another separate post after this one, because it's just soo damn long, and this post is already long enough. So for now, keep thinking about all that time we spent in silence....

Last 2 Weeks: I'll wrap things up in a hurry now, so I can get to what I really wanna finish talking about. Last week I got to fill in for one of our stockers at work that was on vacation..I didn't have to run a cash register all week, and it was the best week of work I'd ever had. I also got 35 hours of pay for it. Only bad part was I had to wake up at 7 am every day I had to work (which was all but one). Anyway...a couple days ago I was at work, and Bill (store manager), wanted to talk to me. I was told that when school starts back up, and when I work Tuesdays and Thursdays, I won't have to run register, I'll be able to stock all night (since the grocery trucks show up Tuesday and Thursday mornings with new grocerys and items). So I basically have a very easy year now. I'll prolly work every weekend, on register, which is alright. Then the only real weeknights I'd work would usually be Tues and Thurs. I'll be in school, so I won't have to help unload the huge grocery truck...all I have to do is come in and put the stuff on the shelf. Easy. And today it was hinted at by Bill that I'll be soon getting responsibility of my own aisle in the store (the one with all the juices and gatorades and such). The guy who usually stocks it is going on 70 years old, and just can't keep lifting the heavy boxes and doing all that work. So they're moving him to stock bread now, and the juice aisle is up for grabs. I've been stocking it the past two days, since Bill told me to...he told me today to get used to it, because I'd be working on that a lot when school started back up...and he also had me reorganize the area in the back with all the juice stock, so that I could have it the way I want it. W00T to me.

So that's this month in a nutshell. If you skim right down ater this, I'll post the giant Lauren fight, and let you decide, for yourself, who's in the right and who's in the wrong. For once, I don't think I'm wrong.

Timeline of events since the last update. Plus "The Tara Story."

2004-07-01T04:37:35Z

So, I haven't updated this in a long time...*checks*....hmm, almost two months. Well, let's get cracking, and you can all a) read about my boring summer, and b) stop bitching at me to update this thing...so, without further ado...*cool background music begins*

May 17th, 2004: I got my first raise at work. Only 15 cents, but since it was delivered on time, and as promised, I can't complain. July should, if all goes well, be the month of my next raise, in which case I, a 6 month-old employee, will be making as much as Alan, a 2 year-old employee...is there no justice in the world?

June 9th, 2004: END OF SCHOOL. I am officially a senior. Received my certificate for completing Semester Two of my Cisco Academy course. I plan to finish the last two semesters by Winter of 04/05, and then work on programming or web design for the rest of the year, the two things I actually want to do for the rest of my career.

June 10th, 2004:I am denied access to Dan's Crawford uber-cool cookout by my parental units. Reason is supposedly because of a failing physics grade, but methinks it was because of the chance that there would be heavy drug usage/drinking there. Oh well. Side note: the fact that I got a 98% average in my most important class, my shop, did nothing to help my case.

June 21-26, 2004: The annual local carnival occurs. Plenty of fights this year, and plenty of boredom..but what else is there to do in Hanover? Exactly. Nikki and Gina come out to visit Monday, and surprise Pat...I eventually leave them to go hang out with Paige for the night...in fact, I did that all week....until of course, Friday the 25th....

June 22-25, 2004: I finally have a good week at work, because I get to fill in for one of the main stockers, Jeff, who is on vacation. So I basically spend the whole week doing something I enjoy, taking breaks whenever I want, and not having to take crap from anyone. Of course, fellow co-worker Anthony, whose job title is supposedly "cashier/stocker", gets into a huff and bitches to everyone about how it's unfair that I get to do it and he doesn't...Anthony also bitches about me getting 35 hours a week, as opposed to his 19. Well, I happen to think that if he would stop doing everything half-assed, stop being a nuisance to everyone, and started giving a shit about his job, then maybe he'd be able to do things like stock or get more hours. Oh well, don't blame me for your lack of work ethic. You want more hours? Go work at Shur-Fine, bitch.

June 25th, 2004: After a long day at work, which consisted of taking a three hour test to keep my job, and cleaning up an old lady's shit, I come home, only to be told by Paige that she likes someone else. Now, the amusing part about this is, she had just told me that she liked me only 2 days earlier...but didn't want to go out yet because she didn't know me well enough..which I understood and actually agreed with. Yet, this other kid comes along, who she claims she's only talked to a few times online, and just met him Thursday night....tells me she likes him Friday, and they start going out Sunday. Interesting, apparently the "I don't know you well enough" only applies to certain people. Ah well, nothing worth getting upset over.

June 28th, 2004: After two long years, me and Shane finally re-visit our old pimping grounds....Essex, Marlyand. Sarah (Shane's g/f) and Danielle accompany us. We get to see my cousin Jessie for a little bit, and then I finally get to see my first girlfriend/ex/kiss/love, Tara. For those that don't know that story, scroll down to the bottom of the entry. Anyway, of course I missed her a hell of a lot....I think anyone who loses touch with their best friend for 2 years would be excited and happy to see them again. We all go to the White Marsh Mall, and hang out for a good 3 hours. My souveniers from the day is a senior picture and a lighter from Tara, and of course, that's now my lighter of choice. We leave, because Shane has bass lessons to attend...and surprisingly, we made it down there and back without getting lost (with the exception of maybe three wrong turns, two of which don't count because we were already in Jessie's development). I come home, and have one of those delusional, nostalgic nights that are, unfortunately, all too common to me. You know, you think about the old days, and how things used to be with her, and you wonder "What if...Could things have been different...If we tried it again would it work this time..." You know what I'm talking about, don't you? Well, apparently none of my other "friends" do, because the mere mention of this:

1) Sent Nikki on a wild tangent, because she seems to have, well, a 1-sided view of every issue, and isn't aware that she just may not be able to relate to EVERYTHING I go through or think about, and therefore, doesn't have a solution, or even an opinion, to everything issue I have....now she supposedly "gives up on me", even though I'm not sure what the mission was in the first place that she gave up on. *scratches head*

2) Causes Gina to leave me somewhat hateful messages, that actually, we're somewhat rational. Here, let me show you.

drk fairy grl (3:33:08 PM): you don't know what you want so you go about exploring things that you might want
Auto-response from MalevolentCha0s (3:33:08 PM): ...I don't get myself sometimes, I swear. I spend the entire night talking about one girl, and go to bed saying "I love you" to another one. Asleep..leave a message and try to explain myself to me, I'll be back in the morning.
drk fairy grl (3:34:03 PM): or maybe you think things that once were could happen better a second or third hell...maybe even fifth time around and then you realize it wouldn't ever go back to the same way
drk fairy grl (3:34:38 PM): and thanks for being a real ass at the carnival and not giving me a hug

Of course, the last one makes no sense, and I'm not sure why she's mad about a lack of hugging that occured over a week ago. I do know what I want though, I just can't have it right now...and I don't know what else I want instead of it, so yes, I explore things I could want..but is that so wrong? You can't just pick a random girl off the street and fall for her..you have to explore options. As far as the second message goes...I know that certain old relationships, namely two, would work for the second/fourth time around...if it wasn't for a little word called miles...60 of them. But fifth time? If you know who I went out with four times already, then please tell me, because I'm drawing a blank myself on that one.

3) Causes Lauren to get jealous...er....sorry, the word she used was "uneased", even though she said 10 minutes before that that she was, in fact, jealous. I was also called obsessed, and told to "make love to my lighter"..although something tells me that would hurt. But no, I wouldn't even say it was close to obsessed. Here, I'll rip your air force fag away for 2 years, no contact, let you see him for one day, and see if you don't talk about or think about him for the rest of the day...cuz if you do, you're OBSESSED! Ok, where was I.

June 28th, 2004 (cont'd): I don't know what scientific phenomenom is responsible for it, but it is completely impossible for me and Lauren to go to bed mad or upset with each other. I spend the night talking about one girl and pissing her off, but before I go to bed I end up telling her that I love her..and meaning it. But that's all that happened, I swear...I don't wanna sound obsessed or anything, or have to make love with her school ring.

June 29th, 2004: I don't even know why I'm writing about this. I slept til 4, argued with Lauren a little bit more (although yet again, we went to bed loving each other). And then today, June 30th, I worked...all day. The end.

So there you have it. Now that Summer's begun, and I remembered I have this, I can probably start updating it again on a regular basis. So until then, farewell.

THE TARA STORY

Back in 5th grade, I spent a weekend in Essex, for my cousin Jessie's birthday party, since she was holding a sleepover. The party consisted of me, Jessie, and about half a dozen other young girls...normally any guy's dream, but as a 5th grader, I didn't even really take notice. However, one girl did stick out at me...this cute little blonde, who I later learned was Jessie's best friend Tara. Long story short, later that night I told Jessie in private that I kinda liked Tara, and apparently while I was asleep, Jessie relayed that message to Tara, because when I woke up, she was already awake, and giving me a..weird..look. I later found out from Jessie that she had told Tara I liked her, and Tara actually kinda liked me back. Of course, I was shy, so was shy, and nothing ever came of it. I went home later that day, and shortly thereafter I forgot about it, figuring I'd never see her again.

Fast forward, May 2001...for Mother's Day. I'm once again at Jessie's house, with the rest of my extended family..and for some reason, I remember this day perfectly even three years later. I wasn't even going to go down that day, I wasn't feeling great..but I did anyway, and I thank God I did. Anyway, there I am, sitting at the table, talking to my grandparents. All of a sudden, my grandfater jokingly looks behind me and says "There's 4 good-looking girls"...and in my head, I count...."there's my two sisters, and Jessie..wait...4 girls?" I turn around, and there she is, 4 years older...and a lot, lot hotter. Then, of course, my fag ass was still shy, so I didn't attempt to hang out with them or talk to them, until she finally broke the ice and asked me to come downstairs and watch a movie with them. I still remember the movie, with a fitting title..."Loser"..I think it had Jason Biggs in it. Movie sucked, as far as I remember..but I had a great time. Especially when I realized that she was cuddling next to me with her head on my shoulder...doesn't sound like much now, but when you're a 14 year old whose never had a girlfriend or anything close, it was something to remember. Anyway, we spent the rest of the day together, and I left, once again afraid that I'd never see her again..but I had her AIM Screen name, and I made sure not to lose her again.

We talked the entire summer, and I fell for her. In the meantime, I had gotten my best friend Alan to start talking to Jessie, and they soon hit it off...so bam, we had another reason to go down. And we did...August 4th, 2001. At Jessie's...me and Tara, Alan and Jessie, and Shane and their friend Pam. And that was the date of my first kiss...in Jessie's kitchen. I remember the exact spot, and what we were doing...maybe that's obsessive to some people (lol), but I think almost everyone remembers their first kiss. The next day we started going out....well, actually I was proposed to haha..but I don't count it as an engagement for obvious reasons. We went out for 3 months, it was perfect, and then we suddenly broke up. After that, we had some hellacious fights...I think I actually created new insults during that time period that I still use today...and since I had just gotten into computers when we were going out, I managed to crack all of her e-mail and AIM passwords, and completely ruin her website. Eventually we became friends, and, surprise surprise, I fell for her again....we went out again for 2 weeks in May of 2002...and then broke up again. We fought again, then I started going out with Nikki...then Tara started telling me that she wanted to try again and that she missed me. I believed her, thought things would work this time, and I dumped Nikki and got back with her.

Now this was in July of 2002. We were together for two weeks, working well, and we probably could have lasted longer. But, she started talking about this new friend Chris, and I got paranoid, figured that I knew what was gonna happen, and I told myself I wouldn't be the dumped one again...so I beat her to it, and dumped her..and that same night I began going out with Lauren..and well, the rest is history. Me and Tara had a falling out afterwards, and the only times we talked are when I called her on her birthday, or the couple times she was online....that is, until I saw her Monday. There, now you know the story. Leave me alone.

Clearing things up.

2004-05-09T03:26:53Z

I've gotten a good amount of crap lately about my constant bashing of Bush, the War in Iraq, the War on Terrorism, and the current state of the country. I'd like to take this opportunity to, for once and for all, make my stance on politics crystal clear.

I used to not give a shit about politics. I watched the military operations in Kosovo with the excitement of a 10 year old watching an Orioles game at Camden Yards...I didn't know the cause, why we were there, or what we were doing...I just chanted "U.S.A." and watched us kick ass. I was one of the millions that judged Clinton's administration purely on his personal life, and breathed a sigh of relief when he was out of office. What a mistake that was.

If we've learned anything since the 2000 election, it's that indifference and apathy can be fatal mistakes. Just ask the 700 grieving families across America, or the percentage of Americans unemployed and looking for work. A few thousand votes were the difference between peace and war, a good economy and a recession/record deficit, and between personal freedom and being watched under a microscope. I wonder how all the people who didn't vote feel now. I couldn't vote in 2000, and I won't this year; but rest assured, I will in every election I can...my eyes have been opened. But until then, all I can do, and will do, is protest, and try to make my voice heard.

This year, I support Kerry over Bush. No, I do not know everything about Kerry...but I do know enough about Bush. No candidate is bad enough for me to want Bush back in office. He has to go. If Kerry is just as bad, or worse, well then, I'll say the same thing about him. But right now, we need change, and Kerry is the only alternative.

I've been called a lot of things for feeling this way....liberal, Democrat, anti-American, anarchist. Let me say now that none of those apply. I'll be the first to admit that I don't even know the true definition of liberal, much less consider myself one. I'm not a Democrat, or affiliated with any party...like I just said, if Kerry is as bad as Bush, I'll protest against him as well. I'm not anti-American or anarchist, far from it..my "I'm punk/goth, I hate America" phase has long been over. There's only one label I fit into.

I'm American.

And as an American, I want to be able to be proud of this country again. I want to talk to people from other countries and not have to be ashamed of myself when I tell them where I'm from. I want my children to grow up in a country that isn't hated by the rest of the world's population. This country can be better, should be better, and it's my duty as an American to want, and work, for that. Sometimes, being a true patriot is protecting and saving your country from your government...country and government are not synonyms.

So you "patriots" can tie your yellow ribbons around your trees, and put your $1.25 flag stickers on your gas-guzzling S.U.V. You can chant for war, for the destruction of those filthy "towel-heads", and praise Bush. That's fine, but deep down you know that what this country is doing is wrong. And me speaking out against it is nothing, the only true treason against America is your support of it.

I Wish You Would Listen.

2004-04-25T05:23:16Z

I just want things to be back like they were. When we used to talk until the early morning about nothing at all...I took those phone calls for granted. I wanna come home from school and hear the phone ring because she was waiting for me, anxious to talk to me, missing me all day...I took that for granted. I want her to do anything she can to see me, whenever she could. I wanna look at her profile, and away messages, and see all of them with an "I love you RyRy" gracing the end of it...I took those for granted. I wanna open my Outlook Express every afternoon and see 2 or more emails from more, even if they are only a couple lines long...I wish I hadn't of taken them for granted, either. Most of all, I wish I hadn't of taken the old Lauren for granted. Before she went to college, before she changed, before all of this happened. I used to know that she needed me, wanted me...that I was the most important man in her life (behind her dad, at least)....that she would give up everything for me, because she was in love with me, and I knew it.

But that was a fairytale...she even said that herself. That gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling...your entire life, everything you love and live for, is a fable..worthless.

Now when we do get on the phone, we don't have anything to say. I come home from school and she's already out with Joel, or she just doesn't wanna talk. Now she never sees me because she doesn't care, and I'm the last priority for her. I'm never in her profile or away messages anymore...she doesn't have room after all the shoutouts to Joel and Ash...and she says it's dumb and ridicules me for caring when I say something about it. The only e-mail I've gotten from her in the past half a year was a virus. The old Lauren died, and the new one isn't the one I fell in love with. She doesn't need me, it seems like she doesn't even want me....I'm the least important person in her life, or at least that's how she makes me feel...and she wouldn't give up anything for me...she wouldn't even skip plans with Joel to come see me in the hospital if I got into a terrible car crash. I don't think she loves me anymore, and I don't know if she has at all in the past few months.

I had more to write, but now I'm too depressed. She won't care anyway..will she even read this? No. My feelings don't matter anymore. But I can't talk to her anymore...she doesn't listen to me. She already has a response, an opinion formed, before I get done talking. She doesn't care. She's 18, so she thinks she's always right, and that I'm always wrong...she doesn't care how I feel. So go ahead, throw me away and move on with your fucking military faggot...but after I'm right, and he doesn't put up with the shit that I did, you'll crawl back...and then maybe you'll listen. But then again, you're not listening...by the time you started reading this you've already assumed that it's bull, and that I'm wrong, and you already have responses to every point I've made. That's unfortunate...by the time you finally do want to listen to me, it's going to be too late.

Yes, I'm Alive.

2004-04-25T05:22:41Z

Yes, I know this thing hasn't been updated since March. I also know that none of you are reading it anymore, so you won't even know it was updated until May. Sorry for the idleness. Things have been...confusing..hectic..bad. With her, at least. Everything else has been pretty good. School's almost done, I have money rolling in and a job that I enjoy. Just no steady girl, and the current one is only good for giving me headaches. Here's the timeline since March:

Early March: We're back together, everything is perfect..or close to it. She seems like the Lauren I fell in love with. Of course, doesn't last.
Mid-March: Break up....surprise.
Late-March to Mid-April: Roller-coaster. One night we're good and she loves me, next night we're at each others' throats. Blame varies from night to night..sometimes I'm the asshole, sometimes she's the bitch. Talk about how we miss each other, start trying to make plans to meet again.
Mid-April: Starts hanging out with her new friends, Joel and Ashleigh...every..damn...day. I'm blown off, put to the side. Can't even call because she's always either on the phone with them or waiting for them to call. I start to feel a little suspicious of her and Joel being so close...turns out my fears would be justified.
Last Couple Weeks: I try to make plans to see her, but she's already completely booked with Ash. Now, I don't know if I'm the only one, but if I was seeing the same friend every day, I'd be willing to take a break for a day to see someone I'm supposedly in love with for the first time in months. But that's just me...of course, I'm also selfish, immature, and any other negative things that Nikki wants to call me.
Thursday: Finally tell her how I feel, and she decides to be honest with me back...by telling me that she likes Joel...

Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:21:04 AM): i am starting to like joel... i didnt see it comming but like i dunno we just hang out alot and hes a good guy, but im not rushing into anything ,... its like when you liked asheligh i know how you feel i was in that same spot, and im gonna take you feelings into consideration
MalevolentCha0s (12:21:14 AM): ....
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:21:53 AM): but im not trying to be with him or anything
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:22:09 AM): he just got of a relationship and so do i , i mean i love you to death and still am
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:22:12 AM): and i dont wanna loose you
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:22:17 AM): but i just get so mad at you sometimes
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:22:31 AM): i talk about you all the time to him
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:25:21 AM): ,,,
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:25:23 AM): ryan
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:25:25 AM): say something
MalevolentCha0s (12:25:31 AM): i need to go
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:25:42 AM): why
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:25:45 AM): no talk to me
MalevolentCha0s (12:25:59 AM): no...i dont want to
MalevolentCha0s (12:26:02 AM): i just wanna leave
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:26:07 AM): why
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:26:10 AM): what did i do
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:26:14 AM): i didnt do anything wrong
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:26:18 AM): i told you how i felt
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:26:36 AM): you liked ashleigh when we were together and not
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:26:41 AM): how is this any diff
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:27:45 AM): ryan
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:27:47 AM): please talk to me
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:27:53 AM): ....
MalevolentCha0s (12:27:58 AM): i cant
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:28:02 AM): why
MalevolentCha0s (12:28:12 AM): i dont want to
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:28:26 AM): so just like that
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:28:35 AM): i didnt do anything
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:28:40 AM): why wont you talk to me
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:29:40 AM): ...
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:29:46 AM): talk to me
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:32:31 AM): i dont wanna huwt you
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:32:35 AM): talk to me
MalevolentCha0s (12:32:49 AM): no
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:33:01 AM): ok
MalevolentCha0s (12:33:25 AM): you like him
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:33:43 AM): kinda
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:33:58 AM): yea
MalevolentCha0s (12:34:09 AM): ...
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:34:14 AM): what
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:34:36 AM): talk to me
MalevolentCha0s (12:35:08 AM): i dont want to
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:35:19 AM): your not gonna lose
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:35:20 AM): me
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:35:24 AM): im gonna be your friend agian
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:35:28 AM): and im gonna try harder
MalevolentCha0s (12:36:00 AM): well...that makes it better
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:36:15 AM): sarcasim?
MalevolentCha0s (12:36:28 AM): tons
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:36:37 AM): oh
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:36:43 AM): then why do i bother
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:36:49 AM): if you dont even care
MalevolentCha0s (12:37:10 AM): you like him
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:37:23 AM): i just started to
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:37:34 AM): but he makes me mad
MalevolentCha0s (12:38:09 AM): i knew it
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:38:17 AM): what
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:38:19 AM): you knew what
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:38:34 AM): i didnt like him
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:38:37 AM): i just started to
MalevolentCha0s (12:38:47 AM): lies
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:38:56 AM): wtf
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:39:09 AM): im being honest with you
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:39:16 AM): if you cant handle that im sorry
MalevolentCha0s (12:39:40 AM): ....you flipped out on me earlier for being uncomfortable about him, and bringing his name up....and you sat there and criticized me for it, knowing that you liked him and i had every right to be uncomfortable
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:39:56 AM): no
MalevolentCha0s (12:39:59 AM): yes
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:40:05 AM): i just started to tonight
MalevolentCha0s (12:40:11 AM): and you yelled at me tonight
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:40:18 AM): bc i didnt want you to bring him up
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:40:28 AM): it makes me feel even more like shit
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:40:32 AM): bc i dont wanna hurt you
MalevolentCha0s (12:40:32 AM): good
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:40:35 AM): and i was wrong
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:40:36 AM): im sorry
MalevolentCha0s (12:40:39 AM): no
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:40:49 AM): no what
Roxy Gurlieo 69 (12:41:05 AM): so what you dont wanna be my friend bc i like him

And after that I just got off...how dare she go on the defensive and be mad at me because I wasn't talking after a bomb like that was dropped. Earlier that day, when I told her I was uncomfortable about her and Joel, she yelled at me for it...while knowing full well that she liked him, and that I had every right to be uncomfortable about it. I just wanna take this opportunity to say WTF? to that. Fuck you, how in the hell do you get off doing something like that?

Friday: She calls, and tries to talk to me. Of course, once we start to discuss it, she says she doesn't wanna talk about it now and has to go...to go pick up Joel (how nice). Says we'll talk about it Sunday.

That takes some nerve...to drop a bomb like that, and then only talk about it when YOU feel like talking about it. I guess my feelings don't matter at all. Oh wait, now I'm being selfish again....sorry Nikki.

I know I should move on, but I still can't. Even though our..or is it only mine now...dream is more or less dead. I mean now that she likes someone else, it cements the fact that it really is over. You know what I should say?...

"To hell with you. Go and have fun with your rebound guy. But you'll never find a guy as nice as me, as sweet as me, as caring as me, that will treat you as well as I did, and put up with your shit. No other guy would have waited 6 months while you took pointless, asanine breaks. But when you're through with him, don't come crawling back here. I'm done with you, bitch."

But I won't say that...even if it is true. I don't have the willpower to stand by something like that..I'd end up taking it back in a day. I don't know what to do anymore.